Trusting others and trusting myself again – The struggle is real.

I have struggled lately while working through the healing process. I felt I was doing so good and then I plateaued. I didn’t move backwards. I just hit a stalemate and I couldn’t figure out what it was. 

I’m in a good place alone, but I’m still very guarded around others. I still have no inkling to date. When men pursue me it seriously makes me cringe. Anytime someone is nice to me all I can think of is “what do you want from me?” or  “what kind of monster are you underneath that mask?”. 

Getting out of an abusive relationship is NOTHING like getting out of a relationship that went bad. It’s soul crushing to find out how much evil was done to you and for absolutely NO reason.

A bad relationship is a toxic situation that was unintentional. An abusive relationship is very intentional.

Imagine a time someone intentionally hurt you…. Now imagine if that person drug it out for years. That they pretended to love you and pretended to be in a relationship (trust me, when you are in a relationship with a Narc, you are the ONLY one in the relationship) with you just so they could abuse you…

It’s an unfathomable thing. How could anyone do that to anyone else? How could someone watch and allow someone to do that to someone else (over and over again and to multiple women).

At this point in my blogging I have been contacted by enough of his; friends, family, exes, and friends of his exes to know this has been a reoccurring thing and has went back farther than I originally thought. And it seems that with each time he becomes more covert.

I don’t think about my NarcEx that much anymore. I have ran through all the nstances in my head and I am so convinced he is a Narcissist that I would be willing to bet my life on it. So to waste my time trying to figure out why he did what he did doesn’t make sense to me. I have come to terms with who he REALLY is and there is no FB or IG post that could convince me otherwise.

I have yet to see a pic of him with his new supply who he cheated on me with. I have heard a couple things here and there but I have a great group of friends that let me know only what I NEED to know and to assure me that I did NOT make a mistake in getting out. I have gotten over the fact that she knew about me and my son and encouraged him to get us out so they could be together. As a single mother – I feel sorry for her and what her and her son are going to go through. I too, once thought he was a good influence on my son, until he started not to be. I will move on from the fact that they claim to make each other better but are fine with keeping things that were mine and my son’s (My NarcEx has never been able to back up who he claims he is with actions, why start now).. Don’t claim things you don’t actually act out. Contrary to what my NarcEx thinks your words do not make you the person you are, your actions do. Karma is a bitch.  Someone should pray for his soul (it wont be me… but someone should). 

What has plagued me lately:

.. Have been the instances with his/my friends and his family that I considered myself close to. Some of these people have played questionable roles in the abuse.  How many of the relationships that I spent the last three years building, were fake?? 

After time to think more about where I am and where I want to go and what is keeping me from it – I think the biggest struggle is not only accepting that people like my NarcEx exist and that people come into your life for the soul purpose to sell you a dream and then abuse you, take everything they can from you, use you, and break you into nothing (even when you have done nothing wrong to them). They will seek you out simply to destroy you. It’s mind boggling for some one who can’t fathom doing that to another person. And until you have experienced, you can not even begin to imagine what it feels like.

But then to top it off –  you have to look back and try to figure out who was in on it. 

You realize quickly that people you thought were your friends were only pretending in order to help the Narcissist pretend they are who they promised they were. These are people you thought highly of and wouldn’t think would turn a blind eye, let alone play a part in the abuse.

 It doesn’t take long after getting out of a relationship with a narcissist to find out who their “flying monkeys” were.  When the mask of the Narc came off and he started to show his true colors, they all scattered. 

Obviously, I know not everyone that ‘hid’ when things went down was involved. But I also know without a doubt that some were and they most likely still are with the new ‘Supply’.

Realizing that it took more than just my NarcEx to pull this off was very eye opening and heartbreaking. There are people who knowing and unknowingly play this role and it’s crushing to realize you not only thought of them as a decent human but that you actually trusted these people.

On the flip side of that there were people I thought were blind to who he really was but as it turns out, actually tried to warn me. Hints I refused to acknowledge or thought to myself – ‘They don’t know him like I do.’…. I can look back and laugh at that thought now, I have no problem admitting when I have been an idiot.

It’s hard to cope with the realization that so many people worked together only to work against you.

At the beginning it was great and everyone is telling you how this is the ‘best he has ever been’…. They all wanted to get to know me b/c they thought I would be the one to ‘tame him’… I don’t know if they were acting as a flying monkey or just trying to convince themselves that he was better this time. As things started to mimic his past relationships, I can tell that his friends stopped making an effort to get to know me. They came around and were nice, but no true friendships ever built. I had one wife tell me that she couldn’t handle getting to know another one of his girlfriends b/c she knew I would be gone as soon as we got close.

Even his family watched me go through hard things with him when they knew he was being unreasonable. They would tell me certain things I know they would NEVER say to him. They watched me literally give my all and kept out of it when he tried to take everything from me and my son.

I’m sorry, you don’t have to immerse yourself in the situation, but if you are a close family and you can’t call your family member out on their BS but can sit there and tell me what you think is wrong with him or how he should never have done what he did and allow him to continue to do things and keep things that you KNOW were never his and were mine or my son’s…. I just can’t fathom the reasoning on that.

I have a son and I would not rest until I made sure he did what was RIGHT!! I have raised him better than this and if he ever does wrong, I don’t care what age he is – you better believe I am going to set him straight and make sure he gets the help he needs. I will make sure he owns his mistakes does what is right to make up for them, not just let him do whatever his spoiled @ss felt he was entitled to do. And honestly I can’t imagine not speaking up, if ANYONE  I love tried to do something like that for no good reason… 

I wanted to do a few things that would be legal and well deserved, for everything he did to me but I have friends that love me and they know that, though I am good at being revengeful, it is not a true representation of character.  They were right. It would feel good for only a minute, but b/c have a conscience eventually it would eat me up that I (once again) lowered the standards I hold for myself, for him. He has no reason to do what he did to me (it wasn’t even for revenge). Even after I caught him cheating I was left without fighting him on it. I still tried to be civil and have a mature break up. I never wronged him. He did it b/c he could and b/c it made his little ego feel like more of a man. He has a mental disorder that will never allow him to grow or be a better person b/c unfortunately with the disorder – they build themselves a little army of people who protect them and their reputation – this allowed him to get away with abuse – BECAUSE they will NEVER speak up, b/c he doesn’t do it to them DIRECTLY. 

I’ve spent hours trying to figure out what relationships were real and which were not. I have ran through past conversations and instances that would separate those who knowingly knew about the abuse, as well as the abuse in his past relationships and who only suspected it but wasn’t sure. Who played a part and who just enjoyed the show from the sidelines.

Harassment isn’t from just the Narcissist:

I unfollowed and blocked anyone who I thought would go to bat for him by trying to contact me and belittle me further into leaving after he was caught cheating.

A few texts and comments go through but they were swiftly taken care of. I have no room for you to come into my life and treat me JUST like he did and tell me that I was in the wrong. You’re a closed minded idiot and a waste of my time. I have entertained the few that have reached out to me seeking answers. I have given proof to disclaim his claims and answered any questions they have had in order to make sense of this and the things he is saying about me. Not one person who has been willing to hear the truth and see proof has walked away thinking I am out of my mind. Instead I get comments like – “I always suspected something” or “this all makes sense now” or “why would he lie to me when I am his friend, I wouldn’t judge him”

One of the most heartbreaking harassments I received went on for months after the breakup. It was a family member of his that I considered myself close with so to read the things she would send was very concerning. She told me what she heard about how things went down and they couldn’t be more wrong. Actually, it’s EXACTLY what he told me about him and his ex and how they broke up… so that must just be his ‘go to’….  She told me that I took things that were my NarcEx’s. So I promised her I would give it all back (I actually have it boxed up with plans to get it to someone who promises me they will get it to him)… I told her if there is anything she knew specifically that I took to tell me and I will make sure he gets it back (though I went through every single one of my boxes and pulled out everything that was his, down to pictures and cards and receipts to traveling, and even an old fork. She told me I had people harassing him and I assured her I did not.  I told her to let me know who it was and I would make sure they stopped. She couldn’t give me anything of his I took, that I haven’t already acknowledged.. And she couldn’t give names of anyone who was harassing him… Instead like him, she got mad at me when I tried to give a resolution to his problem, rather than react in a way that would just cause more of a problem. She just started calling me names and mocking me. I had to block three different accts to get her to stop. 

If someone truly cares about you and is not a toxic person – they don’t just all of a sudden stop caring about you and hate your guts for no reason. If that happens, most likely they were just using you and you ran out of what ever it is that they wanted from you. And Sadly the Narc comes with a whole army of ‘flying monkeys’ that will use you right along with him.

It alters what you perceive as reality and makes you question your instincts.

And it’s really rocked my world. I realized that this is what I have been struggling to deal with and why I have not progressed in the healing process.

I am a person who does not assume someone intentionally does something to hurt me, since I, myself know that I have unintentionally hurt others.  And when I do and I either realize it on my own or it’s brought to my attention, I do what I can to assure it wasn’t intentional and to make it right. If it was intentional (b/c I do have a revengeful side) I’ll tell you and let you know why I did what ever it is that I did. Other than once, I can’t say that I have ever been confronted with anything else that I did/said and denied doing it or saying it. Even if I thought I was going to get punched, even if I knew it was going to make someone I cared about upset, even when I knew it was going to be a hard conversation to have and I didn’t know if I would have the strength to have it…   I am proud of the person that I am and am working to become. I try to take everything that was done wrong to me, as well as the things I have done to others (and to myself) and learn from then in order to become a better person. And because of that, I am not ashamed of anything I have done/said or been through. I can admit to it and do better. 

Narcissist will do you wrong, act like it was an accident and then continue to make the same mistake over and over again and with each chance you give them, they lose more and more respect for you until eventually it is your fault why they are mistreating you.

They may acknowledge their actions but would never admit to doing it on purpose… And they wont stop doing it either. In fact, once they know it gets to you, they’ll go out of their way to see how much more they can get away with it (not sure about you, but that sounds like psychopathic behavior to me).

The more educated I become the more I feel at peace. I do what speaks true to my character and sleep with a clear conscience. Knowledge is power, if you think you are in a relationship with a Narcissist – educate yourself. If you think you are friends with a Narcissist – educate yourself. Narcissists seem complicated but they are very basic people with very basic minds. They repeat patterns of abuse so it shouldn’t be hard to recognize once you’re willing to acknowledge it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s