Little stories that seem small by themselves but add up when you put them together.
The relationship with my NarcEx was definitely one sided. There were double standards EVERY WHERE! Things I would do for him, that he would never consider doing for me.
You think it would be easy to just stop doing certain things when I figured out that they were one sided. But if I tried I would get scolded on how if we don’t work out, that it would be my fault. If I brought up things he used to do that he stopped doing, or things that I do for him, that he wont do for me – He would tell me that he is working on getting better and if I back track or retreat then that would set him further back, causing our demise and that would be on my hands.
There wasn’t much that I wouldn’t do for my NarcEx. He claimed from the beginning that his number one priority was making me happy and all he wanted to do was care for me. He acted like he was always doing things out of MY best interest when in reality he gave me and my interest very little thought.
From the big things in life, all the way down to the little things.
From the age of 17 on, my son’s father used to do this thing (if I was laying down) where he would walk and grab my feet and crack my toes in one fell swoop. I hated it at first and then it turned into something my feet got used to and if they didn’t get cracked, they ached. I have tried to crack my own and for some reason I can’t. I have rubbed and messaged my own fee and tried to bend and pull – but nothing. After him and I split, there were times where he would still crack my toes for me, when I really needed it.
When I started dating my second husband, he took over the job.
When I first started dating my NarcEx, I told him how my toes hurt and ache if they doing get cracked, almost like they stiffen up. I asked him if he knew how and he said he didn’t but he would try. He tried a couple times, unsuccessfully.
For the majority of our relationship, he watched me massage my own feet trying hard to crack my own toes b/c of the aching. Until about two years in, while watching a moving, he grabs my feet and cracks my toes.
Finally, relief! I asked him how he figured it out and his response was – “I’ve always known how, I just didn’t want to do it, so I pretended I didn’t know how”.
What in the world?!?
I asked him why he would do that and he barely responded with a shrug like it was no big deal.
I asked him if he hated feet- I could totally get that.. I have a huge fear of touching feet (though I still massaged his), I couldn’t blame him for that and his answer was another shrug and – “No, I don’t mind feet.”…. So then why? it took you all of 20 seconds to do and it brought me so much relief. Why keep that from me? Did it bring you THAT much joy? I just remember looking at him wondering what kind of person would hide something like THAT… and then bring it out after this long as to say – Yea, I could have been doing this for you the whole time. But I didn’t want to…. And I am not sure he ever did it again… maybe once more.
Mind you – I have been rubbing this dudes head and back until he fell asleep about 90% of the time on the nights that he was home. Even when I was exhausted, even when I was sick. There were times when my fingers hurt so bad from doing yard work all day (hauling 5lb buckets of rocks) so I asked him if I could just rest instead and he would pout and turn away from me and not talk to me while he fell asleep. His reasoning for being upset at me for not rubbing his head was b/c his work schedule was so sporadic and that helped him sleep when he was home.
As I rubbed him almost every night that he was home, if I asked him for a rub b/c I had a knot in my back that hurt he would either flat out tell me no, or would literally rub it for 30 seconds and then tell me his fingers hurt. If I paid for my own massage – every time I went he would make me feel guilty by saying “it must be nice” (with attitude) b/c I didn’t bring him along and buy him a massage too. I expressed to him how him saying that made me feel bad for getting them when I paid for them on my own and I massaged him when ever he wanted- but still it wasn’t good enough for him.