There are studies and articles after article (one below) about how Toxic relationships can effect your health. The anxiety eats at your body. It is a way for a Narc to physically cause you harm that only the educated would recognize. I knew my health was worse because of my Narc, but I didn’t realize the impact that HE actually made until my health did a DRASTIC turn around immediately after I left my NarcEx. It was seriously within a day or two from being gone. I could breath easier and my anxieties faded and with that, my physical health followed.
My anxiety and fears from my relationship with my NarcEx literally made me sick. The anxiety from constantly living on egg shells kills your immune system, it is hard on your heart, not to mention the insomnia which just helps in weakening your immune system even further. There is no beating it when you are living in that sort of hell. You can only maintain it.
*Let me tell you something- If you think you are in a loving relationship and you get the sickest you have ever been in your life and the person you are with come into the bedroom and lays down on your hurt body to signal that they want you to rub their back and head before bed… And if you respond with something like “Oh my gosh Babe, my body hurts so bad, I can barely keep my eyes open b/c of this headache. Maybe tomorrow night, but not tonight.” and they get upset at you and flop back over to their side of the bed and turn away from you and just say “goodnight” – You are in a toxic relationship with a toxic person! People who love each other do NOT treat each other like that.
It took awhile to know exactly what was going on and even after we knew how bad it was, I still got nothing from my NarcEx. This is when I KNEW without a doubt that I could neve have babies with him. If something were to go wrong, if I had a bad pregnancy or a bad birth, I could not count on him to take care of me. He wasn’t one of those guys (as a significant other) who would step up and take care of you without you specifically asking him for something. And even then, he is going to make you feel terrible for asking (a completely different man from the one who tried desperately to come over and care for me when I got food poisoning from our first date). There were a few times that he would tell me the reason he didn’t do that type of stuff for me (at the time) was because I didn’t let him in the beginning (which, of course, made it MY fault).
When I first started getting sick it was the day after we had just hosted Christmas for my whole family, I woke up feeling like I had the start of a cold with body aches. I was like that for a few about two weeks and treated it as a cold. A week in I got a small rash (the size of a thumb nail) above one of my breasts. This isn’t too uncommon with me. My skin is insanely sensitive. I break out in hives easily and have to be very careful about any product I put on my skin. I went to my dermatologist and she told me that with the body aches and head aches I have been having she wanted to test for shingles. I almost laughed at her.. No way.. Just a normal cold and a normal skin irritation rash.
I was so worn down from feeling like I was constantly living on edge, that I got shingles, at age 33. Before I got them, I thought it was only something that older people had to worry about. It is not common for people my age to get them, but it is a lot more common than I thought. You just have to of had the chickenpox. It is most common in older people, b/c they are usually the ones with weakened immune systems.
I remember the look on my NarcEx’s Mom’s face when I told her what it was.
After I found out, my NarcEx acted like it was no big deal and still wanted me to go to his Sunday Family dinner that night. I made him make sure that everyone there had either had the chickenpox OR the vaccine. We got there and I was sitting at their kitchen island and his mom asked what they think caused it and as I told her that a weakened immune system and severe stress, she looked at her son and back at me and gave me a look of pity. I tried to take blame away from him and say it could have been from the stress of hosting Family Christmas for the first time. And as I said that, I said “yea right” in my head. At this time, I was just starting to learn about narcissism. I didn’t know how yet, but I was pretty sure a lot of my health issues were because of the things I was dealing with through my NarcEx. and I knew she was starting to see it too.
This was just a week or two since she witnessed her son tell me to drive by myself, way across town to pick up my son, just so her son could continue to party at a neighbor’s New Years get together. She even offered to go with me, she was heading out soon anyways, and she knew I was having a hard time with migraines and what I thought were body aches (nerve pain). I knew she felt bad and I wanted her to know I could handle it so I put it off as it was not a big deal (but let my son try to do that in front of me. I don’t care how old or big he is. >:/). She had the same pity look on her face as she apologized to me while I was walking out the door. At one time, she even took some responsibility and said the she “may be at fault b/c she always did everything for him”. (I always wondered if/how family members can be THAT blind to the Narcs in their family but I DO think she knew something was off but she just didn’t know how to handle it)
I was lucky, in that, my shingles themselves weren’t bad (b/c I caught it so early). It was the side effects from it that were worse than anything I had ever experienced in my life. I had migraines off and on that lasted anywhere from 20 minutes to days long. I had one migraine that I was convinced my head was going to explode….. and I welcomed it.
I couldn’t open my eyes for three days straight.. During the three months where I suffered with the off and on migraines, my nerve pain was so bad that I couldn’t be touched or bumped. Any movement vibrated through my nerves. I couldn’t ride in a car b/c I felt every bump and vibration. The pain would shoot up and down my whole body. I still do (and will forever) get this nerve pain. I can feel it coming on slowly, when my anxiety gets a little high. I have learned to control it by calming myself through “grounding”. It doesn’t take the pain away completely, but it gets it to a more tolerable level of what feels like needles all over your body, but they are inside trying to poke their way out of your body…or it feels like a really bad sunburn or rugburn, but all over your body and on the inside of your body. It seriously feels like you are burning from the inside out… Is spontaneous combustion real?!?
But any who, with grounding I can get that to a few notches above a “tingle” feeling, like there are still needles trying to get out… but like, baby needles so they aren’t too bad….
So the whole time I had this (which was months -_-), I was bullied by my NarcEx. He would ‘make fun’ of how pitiful I looked and made fun of all the meds I had on my night stand. He would tell me not to touch him b/c he didn’t want them. Multiple times he walked into the room laughing at me, when I was the sickest I had ever been in my LIFE!! (And I ham no stranger to hospitals)… I never want to feel that amount of pain all over my body at once again. I don’t wish that on anybody. He would tell me how ridiculous I was being about it (again, this from the man who when I got food poisoning from our first date was SOOOO hurt that I wouldn’t let him come over and take care of me)… I have been in and out of the hospital since I was very little and
I have never been with someone who could look at me so coldly when I was so vulnerable. I remember one time he asked if there was anything he could do for me before he left to go somewhere and I asked for soup and he sighed and didn’t say anything and just went into the kitchen to start making it. I could tell he was upset like he was just asking to sound nice, but didn’t really mean it. I just couldn’t imagine treating him like that (or anyone for that matter). He always ACTED like I was an inconvenience in his life but never would say it out loud. Towards the end I was just his maid, his dog watcher/walker, his house sitter, landscaper, co-captain. He was nice when he needed something from me or thought I was on the verge of leaving. If I wasn’t serving his purpose and doing the things I was there to do, I was worthless in his eyes. Getting this sick and feeling that from the person that you thought was your protector, your everything, your forever, it was heart breaking. But it was eye opening. I lost respect for him as a protector. He only wanted me there to cater his agenda and I could no longer trust that he was doing things for my best interest (like he claimed).
I made excuse after excuse for his actions. I let him treat me the WORSE I had ever been treated, simply because it was the BEST he had ever treated anyone.
After I got sick, I would hear him tell people that – he doesn’t know how I keep up with that house all on my own b/c he had been pitching in since I got sick. Let me remind you, I was seriously sick for months. He did one load of laundry. His work and gym clothes. and he never took it out of the dryer. He would just go down there and pull out what he needed. I pulled the rest out and folded it weeks later after I got better enough to walk around… I was pretty weak and the nerve pain was still pretty constant so a few times he still had to carry the laundry baskets up and down the stairs for me so that I could wash it, change it, and fold it and put it away… Maybe that is what he meant when he said he helped out… O_o…. Oh, and I think he did the dishes once.
I know I have mentioned in previous Blogs about my nerve pain, it is a pain that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life now. I maintain it through Yoga, Meditation, and grounding. Toxic relationships are no joke! You do not have to be physically abused to end up with lasting physical effects from an abuser. The mental and emotional abuse received from being in a relationship with a Narcissist destroys your health in so many ways. They learn your weaknesses and then attack you mentally, giving you anxieties and depressions. They make you second guess everything, including yourself. The constant anxiety weakens your immune system, then that brings a wave of physical health issues.