I can walk you through what made me start to question my NarcEx’s intent with me.
I think I was love stricken for the first year and a half I was still riding the Manipulation Train and wanted to believe every word he said to me. Looking back it was about nine months in that everything really started to take a turn. I know I have mentioned that it happened slowly. I was conditioned/trained to act a certain way in response to his actions.
Below are a few of the real life quotes and the conversations behind them that should have raised HUGE Red flags.
“All my exes are crazy.”
Oh my goodness!! I did not know how HUGE of a red flag this was… Though my ex claimed all his exes were crazy and told me stories to back it up, He claimed all their breakups were civil and went well and that he was on good terms with most of them still. That was a HUGE lie.. and this is a common claim by Narcs.
“You remind me of me.”
This was in response to when we were having a light hearted talk about how much we loved eachother. It was still pretty early on in the relationship. I would say around a year give or take a month or two. In this convo, I asked what he loved most about me. He couldn’t give me anything else, other than I reminded him of him(what an insult). I thought I misunderstood his answer so I asked him again and even asked for an explanation. He just repeated what he said the first time. After that I realized that nobody loves him like he loves him..
“I don’t care what my actions tell you, listen to what I am saying”
This was his response anytimeItried tocalmly explain how his “recent” actions were making me feel. I was convinced he was falling out of love with me and even calmly said to him, if that is the case. That is fine, just let me know so I can get a plan in place and move on..Instead of being honest,he would get all defensive and tell me to”take him at his word and not for his actions”. He said this to me not once not twice, but so many times I actually lost count. Don’t worry – I never “fell” for thisone, each time I just responded with “Do you think I am an idiot?”.
“How many times do I have to tell you, Don’t look at my phone, you’re not going to like what you find.”
We were always pretty open with our phones. We always would tell eachother who we were talking to or texting and then kinda bring each other into the conversations we were in (work and personal stuff). It wasn’t weird for one of us to answer each other’s phones. At some point that slowed down and eventually became very selective for him. Which was fine with me, his phone constantly goes off and most of it was pretty redundant, I didn’t have energy to keep up with all of it. . He got calls/texts about work pretty often and it was common for me to be around his phone and him be somewhere else and I glance at it and if it is work related I run and tell him. Never once did I think I would see inapporpriate conversations between him and other woman. He was so against cheating but I had been warned by a few of his friends wives that he says he doesn’t cheat but he is known for gettiing females numbers and always having other woman that he talks to. I asked my NarcEx if he ever did this b/c we had a conversation on our first date where he clearly stated he had NEVER cheated on a girl but had been cheated on. He lied on the wives that told me this information made it seem like they just wanted to make him look bad b/c they didn’t like him. He would tell me how proud he is that I am his girlfriend and how he loves turning woman down by saying he is happy at home. I honestly thought I could trust him in a room full of females. Eventually I learned that he got more selective b/c he was having conversations that he wasn’t supposed to be having with other females. Even after confronting him and hearing his crap excuses, it took me some time to fully grasps the lies that were behind all these questionable convestations. A month or two before we split he asked me to change the Pandora station on his phone and when his phone unlocked it opened to a conversation with a woman I had never heard of talking about meeting up for drinks. The convo was short but from the looks of the way they were talking, they had talked before – So I knew he was deleting the conversations.
“There isn’t room in this relationship for two (NarcEx name)s.”
This was said to me on the day I walked out of the house to go stay at my sisters. It was a dayafterwe got back from a Boating trip with his family. I could tell he was distant during the trip. But he was also being sweeter than normal. It was hard to explain. There were times that he was extra soft and sweet during that trip, a side of him I hadn’t seen in awhile. And then he would do things like not kiss me goodnight the whole trip. He would just lay there and not say goodnight, nothing. That was the first time that had ever happened while we weren’t fighting and it lasted a whole week. I knew he was detatching and if he was, I knew there was someone else. I was trying to make sense of it when I realized the sweet times were only when others were around, it was all for show. It was his last “show” with me and my son.
For the past few weeks, I noticed his gym times that used to take an hour were now taking two hours. He just told me that he was going to lunch afterwards with one of the guys or was working hard on what ever he was working on that day.
I could tell a change was happening I just didn’t know if it was for good or bad. The day after we got back we scheduled a Date night. We had two scheduled previous to this trip (since we wouldn’t have any alone time during the whole week). But he went out with his “buddies” and left me hanging the two days prior to leaving for the trip. The night we got back I was unpacking and cleaning and going around the house like normal but also matching his energy. I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t happy, I was just there.
He was sitting on the couch and I was walking by to put something away. He asked me what was wrong and I really couldn’t think of anything. I was content just like I was when he wasn’t there. I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders and said “Nothing.”
His response was “Well then stop f*cking acting like it!”. B/c this was so late in the game, I didn’t even blink an eye. I couldn’t be happy, I couldn’t even be content in this house without him trying to ruin it. I was so over playing into the drama. He wanted to claim I was negative. Well then I wanted to start matching his attempts to bring me negative with more calm love. At this point in our relationship he knows ALL my buttons and limits and he has been using them as puppet trings since the beginning. I was determined to find each one and cut them one by one. I remember laughing to myself while thinking – I am actually fine, We just got back from Vaca, what do I have to be upset about. And I wasn’t doing anything wrong for him to think something was wrong, other than giving him all my attention which is what I usually did. I went about my business. He went to bed with out saying goodnight, again. The next day he woke up and told me to think about where to go for date night, gave me a kiss and went to the gym. The morning passed by and then the afternoon. I was off of work and ready for date night. I called to see where he was at and he was in a parking lot at a bar with his friend. And then I heard her voice. I asked if he was in the car with just his guy friend then who was the female’s voice and he hung up. I waited a sec in disbelief and tried to calm myself down a bit. I called back and now I could tell he was in the bar. I asked him to come home and he laughed and said no. I told him if he didn’t come home now, then I would be gone. And he started going off about how I need to “know my place” and “there isn’t room in the relationship for two of him.”…..
“Sometimes you just gotta tell them No so they don’t get used to being spoiled.”
This is something that was said to my son when I asked my NarcEx if we could get something I KNOW he wanted to get too. He tried to say it was a joke but he legit said something along the lines of even if it’s something you want to you have to make sacrifices and go without just so that you can say “no” to them every once in awhile, so they don’t get too spoiled. That was the first time I remember ever second guessing his influence on my son. He and my son have a very joking relationship, much like I have with my son. I loved their relationship. We all could joke about ANY and EVERYTHING. But something about the way he said it didn’t seem like a joke.
I was so taken back by it that I had to have a talk with him afterwards about not saying that kind of stuff in front of my son and then on top of that, actually acting on it. I have spent a lot of my parenting focused on raising my son to be respectful of other people, especially woman. That is one thing that is NOT a joke to me. That is devious behavior to me, like you think the person you are with is “against you”.
“Do that and see where that gets you.”, “Sure, if you want it to be your fault that this relationship didn’t work out.”, “That isn’t how you fix a relationship.”
I am grouping these three b/c they are all in reponse to me telling him (multiple times) that I am only going to give as much as he gives now.