A lot of my Narc relationship was history repeating itself.
If you know me and depending on how you know me, you may think I talk a lot but that doesn’t mean I am not listening. I listen to what people say and I watch their actions and then I also listen to what they don’t say. I love learning about people and figuring out their “thing”.
That is pry why I was so drawn to my NarcEx. He was a hard one to figure out. He contradicted everything. He was rough and tough but with me (at the beginning) was gentle and sensitive and goofy. Every stereo type that he looked like, he wasn’t (or so I thought). As I peeled back each mask hoping to expose some light, I was disappointed to find that it was some of the darkest “ish” I had ever dealt with.
You don’t want to believe that the person you gave up so much for, the person that you trust and started planning your life with – has thrown you into the same toxic pattern that he put his exes through. Especially if you have specifically talked about those type of relationships and how to not become one. You don’t want to believe that this person only said these things to “bait” you. In order to get you to believe/trust him and do things for his benefit. You don’t want to believe that the person you have chose to love, does not actually love you, but instead you are just a pawn in their game. You think – Obviously you are not ignorant ENOUGH to get into something like THAT without seeing it. Someone couldn’t hear about all your previous heart aches and then keep going knowing they were about to try to top them all. Who could be so evil?
Being in a relationship with a Narc is definitely soul crushing on so many levels. Some of the “proof” that I needed was bc luckily he had plenty of friends who were still friends with one or more of his exes and they loved to tell stories about him, including ones with previous exes. I am not a jealous type when hearing about that stuff. It was a part of their lives and there is no need to over play or under play anything with me. I am not going to get mad about something that he did with an ex when we weren’t together. So- I listened to what other’s said about his exes. It didn’t take long to realize that what my NarcEx said about each ex didn’t add up with how things really went down… and as time went on… I watched the patterns start unfolding in my own relationship with him. I tried to do things to throw it off the path. I tried to be “different” than the others to get him to see that it didn’t have to go down the same path.
My ExNarc described his relationships very different than how other’s around him described them. He played victim and made all his exes out to be crazy (Turns out he drove them there). He told me how all they did was take and take, how nothing was ever good enough.
He told me that they all tried to control him and he just needed someone to accept him for who he is.
He told me about some of the things he would get in trouble for with his exe and nothing he told me really bothered me. Nothing he did in front of me bothered me. A few things that did, I kept my mouth shut for fear of him thinking I was like his exes and didn’t want to “control/change” him. He could go out wearing the craziest things and I would give him a little crap about it (b/c that is how we flirted) but I never truly cared and he knew that. I bought and picked out his whole wardrobe the whole time we had been together and I catered to his weird style. But all of his crazy and wackiness was cute when I thought he was a grown man. He handled his ish. So I could look past a lot of the B.S (trust, it’s not worth it). He works hard (works the system) and has things to show for it (b/c when he gets a gf he convinces her to put all her money in the “fun stuff” and random house “bills” and he will put his money in the houses/assets and that it shouldn’t matter b/c they are “building a life together”). He’s smart (he found a way to always have someone pay the BS stuff while he grows his assets and toys… when that GF has nothing left to give, he moves on to the next). He is tough and knows how to do any and everything manly, he was sweet and sensitive. He would stay up all night talking (gathering info to use against me later on).
Friends of his told me stories about how his exes all waited on him hand and foot. How each one spoiled him and did everything for him. A couple of the wives laughed as they talked about how he is the most spoiled man they have ever seen. I have watched the looks on his friends faces when he told them all the things I did for him – b/c they knew how he treated me. I heard stories about how he would go out and stay out and not answer his ex’s calls or texts and just laugh about it.
I never worrier too much about this one b/c he OFTEN chose to stay in with me, over everything… I am not sure what he told his friends or family when he did, but he did what he wanted. If he didn’t show up to something, it was NEVER b/c of me or work. It was b/c he didn’t want to go. It wasn’t until the recent months before we split that he started telling me what his plans for the day were (a common morning talk we had before he left the house) and then he would just go MIA… He wasn’t doing anything insanely crazy and I trusted him so the only times I got upset were when we had date nights planned and I was at home ready waiting for him to come home and he was MIA just out at a bar with friends/the girl he is with now.
He told me that his exes would get mad anytime he planned or didn’t include them in things. I thought it was just bc they weren’t right for him and he knew it, so of course, he wasn’t going to include them in his plans for his future. And it never bothered me b/c he was ALL about planning our future together. What was his, was mine and vise versa. We combined our whole lives together. But as the love bombing phase faded, and it came to it. He kept me out of all the important stuff that showed that I was ACTUALLY different. B/c I wasn’t.
Then slowly, he started planning things without me. Nights out, weekend get-a-ways, holidays, special occasions, days/nights on the lake, any “extra” information. I was on a “need to know” basis the last six months of our relationship. Sometimes I thing he would include me in things just to rip me down.
We spent over a year picking out a boat together. We researched and searched for one that was exactly what we wanted. It was “our” boat. One of the turning points of our relationship when he wanted me to not just put money into his house and pay the other random bills I paid, he also wanted me to help pay for either the house or the boat, and I told him to put my name on one and I would start paying for it. He agreed to put my name on the boat. I know he didn’t want to do that and that might have been the beginning of him starting to look for a possible new supply b/c shortly after that I started seeing the inappropriate texts between him and other woman who I never heard him talk about before. In the mean time, we are talking about what to name the boat (this is a pretty big deal, this boat was used but didn’t have a name yet) we go back and forth for months discussing options here and there.. And then he decides on a name for the boat without even telling me and announces it when showing off the boat in our driveway for the first time. Which I wouldn’t have minded, the name doesn’t matter to me that much so anything he really wanted would have been fine. But after hearing him talk about boat names and the history behind them and how it’s like naming a child and discussing it with me like we are in this together and then just pick it and announce it telling me the same time you tell everyone else- Then I am not in this with you. You are in this with yourself and you want me around when you have questions about the kind of loan you should get for it. Or want someone to pay the Insurance on it. Or clean it or buy everything to fill it (life jackets, toys, floaties, emergency kits, etc). I promise at that time I was already watching him to see how he reacts to my reactions… and soon as he said that I looked at him and he looked directly at me with a smirk on his face. He knew what he was doing and he enjoyed it.
He told me how his ex moved out while he was at work and how he found out b/c his parents told him. He told me how she took a lot of house stuff. He told me how he bought her a car and she never appreciated anything. I. have covered how he got me to sell me car and use his and how he used that against me. I have no doubt that, that is what he did with his ex. I never thought I would have to move out while he was away…… But then it happened to me and I SAW why they had to move out while he wasn’t there.
First off I TRIED to get my stuff the day after the new Supply showed up to our house and I realize that she was going to be in there with all of MY stuff. I didn’t care if he was there or not, but the few times we tried, he was fighting me on things that were mine, but anything that was “his” was out of the question. It was the end of the summer and his birthday was coming up, he had boating parties every weekend ALL weekend. I told him that my family would come and he could still have the parties while we pack and get stuff out and he just kept putting me off. The day I moved out was the day he told me to move out. I didn’t know if he was at work, at the neighbors, at his new supply’s house, or at the bar (turns out the bar).
Some people who had been to the house for his parties while all this was going on didn’t even know we were split at this time. He was telling people I was out doing other things. He had his new Supply coming to these get togethers telling people she was just an old friend he ran into (same thing he would tell people about me).
When we first met and were getting to know each other we had talks and agreed that if either of us ever gets unhappy we have to tell the other person and give them the opportunity to help and if not then we had to be mature and tell the other person and split up and that Cheating was 100% unacceptable. He told me that he would never want to be the reason that I was unhappy and that if he ever makes me unhappy and he couldn’t make me happy, he would let me go. He told me he had a good relationship with most of his exes (that is a lie). He told me that he is the one that always gets broken up with. That none of them were as committed as he was. So from day 1 – I was trying to prove how committed I was to him. He used that as a tool to make me prove how much I trust him. He could do things that made me feel like the most worthless human and if I tried to stick up for myself he would say “Go ahead, leave like the rest of them!”…. And I was back to proving how committed I was to him – I would let him treat me like dirt and still stay with him.
On our first date one of his questions was “Have you ever cheated on anyone?”. He told me he had never and talked about how he knows people who had and how upset he gets about it. And I believed him. A lot of people around him will even vouch for his honesty. And how he would never cheat. And I believed them. Even after I caught inappropriate text messages between him and other woman (and just learning about Narcs and how they bait for a new supply right before the discard phase)… I still wanted to believe that this wasn’t a NARCRelationship. I wanted what we had to be real. But as time went on, I caught more and he got worse. The last month or so of our relationship I knew he had found someone. He was withdrawing and started progressively treating me worse and worse. He stopped saying I love you. His “work” schedule got even more sporadic. He would say he got called in when he wasn’t planning to and I didn’t hear his specific work ringer. Work and gym trips got longer. Night’s out with the guys went from; home by 10:00 to spend time with me -to- home at 3:30am. He was smiling at his phone like he used to smile at me when we first met. I could go on, but I think you get the point. I am not an idiot.
I’m wondering if this is the first time he has cheated (spoiler alert: it wasn’t). Then I remember how some of the wive’s of his friends once told me that he doesn’t consider texting other woman cheating. They told me that back in the day he ALWAYS talked to other woman at the bars and got their numbers and would text them while having GF’s. They did say they thought he had grown out of it though (he did not). After I caught him with the supply he is with now and I told him that secret conversation and meet ups with other woman that I do not know about is cheating.. He angrily admitted to it and told me that we did not agree on what we each considered cheating.
I also remembered how he told me his exes used to look through his phone all the time and how that was a big part of their problem. He said it was b/c they didn’t trust him (he forgot to mention that they had reasons to not trust him) and the multiple times he told me “Do not look through my phone. You are not going to like what you see”. Now you read that and think – Duh Katie! Dead give aways here. Could the flags be any more RED!!!
I know I know.
I start realizing things like how when he “love bombed” me, when he was taking me on vacations and posting about me on FB were the same things she was doing with his new chick, and the same he did with his exes. My NarcEx not only took his new supply that he cheated on me with, on a vaca (a couple months after we split), but then posted a pic of the two of them with a post that could be “mistaken” for them getting married. If you have been friends with my ex for awhile on FB you may remember he did this once before (many years before I dated him) this was no new stunt for him. Years ago, he had a pic of a girl on his lap in Vegas kissing his cheek and posted something insinuating that they got hitched (That girl was the same girl he would later tell that – instead of proposing to me, he would wait another 7 years and give the ring to her *previous blog). It didn’t click until after we split, but I remembered THAT post when it happened. I remember the drama behind it, but it was a hoax. Now here we are…. many years later and he’s still doing the same B.s.
Confirming I wasn’t the only one:
It just so happens that I had a good friend, that I grew up with, help me get some of my boxes in order to move out of my NarcEx’s. Coincidently enough, He got my NarcEx’s Ex boxes too, to move out. And then tells me it was for the same reason, she caught him talking to another girl… Who he believes was ME! So when I was asking him if he had a GF before I went on a date with him and he said “no” – What he meant was, He DID but he was just keeping her around until he found someone new to destroy….. Lucky me. and when I agreed to a date he stepped up the “Dickheadness” and pushed her out.
At this point, in present time, I have had enough of his exes reach out to me either themselves or through other people to tell me that the things I am saying are all too relatable to them. I know enough to know that he baits us all in, love bombs us, gains our loyalty and gets his supply from us being his number 1 fans. He is fake in front of everyone else he knows and we take the brunt of who he really is.
Our relationship ended just like all his others. He will do to the next what he has done to the rest. And he will continue to get support from the ones who love to use his toys.