It was a while before I ever caught him in a lie. Most of what he said panned out. It was over a year before I started catching him lying about the stupidest stuff. When I first started catching him in lies, the only thing I could think about was- was this the start of his lying or was this just the first time I caught him? This is right around the same time I started praying to God “to bring all his lies to light”… and boy did they shine.
I started catching him in stupid lies that just made me think ‘why would you even have to lie about that, it’s nothing I would get mad at. It’s nothing that you would have to protect my feelings from, The lie doesn’t make you look better or worse. I don’t get it?’
When I caught him, I would ask him why he lied and he could never give me a good answer. It wasn’t b/c he thought I would be mad about the truth. He knew I wouldn’t. He would just get annoyed that I’m questioning him and either storm off, ignore me completely and contiue aboue life as if nothing is wrong, make it my fault for pointing out his lie, or all three at once, or any possible mixture of the three.
One of the first lies I can remember catching him in was, he was with one of the neighbors running an errand. My Narcex texted me that it was taking longer than he thought and that they were still at the place. Not knowing I was with gf of the guy he was with. Right after I told her they were still there, she got a snap from her bf of my bf sitting saying that they just sat down at their breakfast spot and for her to go meet them there….. She showed that to me and my heart dropped. Like WOW! That hit me hard. Obviously he didn’t want me there, which is fine. There are plenty of times he has went out without me and told me he just needed guy time. Or I told him I could leave the house to let him and his buddies have their pool nights like they used to. I am all for having and giving your time. But he never lied to me about it until then…. Or at least, I never caught him until then. And it is even weirder b/c it wasn’t like we were fighting. We were loving toward each other when he left. So why even lie?
Calling him out on it.
So, instead of texting him back, I called him. He answered and tried to lie to me again about where he was and what he was doing. I told him that I was with his buddy’s gf and I just saw the snap. He just laughed a half ass chuckle underneath his breath. I asked him why did he have to lie about it? He had nothing. He just said he had to go b/c he had to order. End of that I am not sure it ever got brought up again for discussion.
Catching him lying about what he did while he was away at work.
He traveled for his job and stayed overnights a lot of the time. While gone he would tell me how he would either just be in the gym or in his room, occasionally would go out for dinner with co-workers… He would tell me stories of how “back in the day” he would have all day and night drinking benders when out of town for work and then he would explain how he has grown out of that. No big deal. I have no reason to question him. He does use the fact that he only stays in the gym or alone in his room most of the time as a tool to make me feel guilty if I go out while he is away for work.
About a year a half into the relationship, someone my dad knows recognized a pic of my NarcEx that was up n my parents house and he worked with him made comments that would suggest he has not grown out of that at all. He didn’t give any specifics so I filed it away in the back of my mind. And moved on as if I still had no reason to ever question him.
Then I started catching him in lies about him drinking and being out with friends. AGAIN, it wasn’t anything to lie about.. He was having a few beers. So what? I am all for that (just don’t ever become that person who HAS to drink a case a day to function)…. I started catching him when I got snapchats from his friend of my NarcEx sitting across the table with a beer…. With him not knowing that his friend was lying to me and telling me that he was at the gym or in the hotel room alone. I never said anything to the friend and when I confronted my NarcEx with the evidence. Again, I tried to explain to him. I don’t care if you are getting beers out with your friend.. So you don’t have to lie about it. This happened three times before it stopped, I am guessing b/c he finally had a talk with his friend. I never cared when he was out. It was the fact that he lied.. And he not only lied, he made me feel guilty for going out and having “all the fun” when he, indeed, was out having fun himself…
After starting to catch him more and more- I am worried…. If he is lying about stuff this small… stuff I wouldn’t even care about… What else would he lie about..?
I had a conversation with someone who had known him a vey long time, where they said he has been lying about little stuff since he was little. And that he has been called out on it. But most choose to ignore it b/c he still has a good heart.
I started catching him in lies just by folding clothes.
As stated in my last blog, I fold clothes on the bed and I always folded on his side of the bed, because that is the side the closet was on. A few times I happened to be folding clothes and he would come and put his phone on the charger that was on the table that was less than six inches from where I am moving around. We were never weird about our phones – or should I say he was never weird about his phone until about a year in.. Before that we checked each other’s phones and would answer each other’s calls and texts. He phone makes a noise. I look instinctively.
One time while folding clothes, his phone went off and it was his buddy that said something like – Called got tee time for tomorrow 11:30… with little golf imojis behind it..
No big deal. I keep folding clothes. He gets out of the shower and as he is getting dressed I am putting away clothes and he checks his phone in between getting ready…. Then he asks what I had planned the next day… I can’t remember what and if I had anything planned… I just remember his response when I asked him if he had anything planned, in return. He said. “Just the gym. May run a few errands.”… weird.
Maybe he told him he couldn’t make it.. Oh well… nothing more about it… next morning… same conversation. He running to the gym and then a few errands. He is getting ready to leave and I catch him sneaking his golf clubs in his car.
I asked him what he was doing and he said that he was going to try to get a tee time (with the guy who text him), and that he was going to take his clubs just in case. Just so I understood what he was telling me.. I asked him – “So you guys don’t have a tee time already?” and in a irritated voice, he said – “No. so I am not even sure I am golfing, I am just brining these in case”. He shoved them in his car and drove off mad at me for questioning him. Of course he goes golfing at 11:30…. I didn’t tell him months later that I saw that message when if first popped up while he was in the shower. He got mad and said if I knew the whole time and never told him, then I was just trying to trap him in a lie, so that what I get.
I started catching inappropriate texts.
Once was between a long time female friend of his, and an enemy of mine since 9th grade. She bullied a lot of my friends as well as myself. Our family’s have deep history and neither of us knew that when she first started bullying me. I have grown and let go a long time ago, but I heard recently, that she was still having drama with some of her own friend group and I am more of a preventative person in my old age. I don’t like putting myself in the middle of what I think has a possibility for chaos. I have been surrounded by enough of that in my life. I am ready for a slow, quiet, loving life. We agreed that they have a strong friendship and I didn’t want to take away what they had, so they remained friends and he was open about if they meet up or talk, but he kept her away from me for the most part. I had only seen her once when she came over for a gathering we had.
Months. Months Later. I was folding clothes when his phone went off. It was her, saying something that didn’t make sense for something they should be saying to each other. So I opened his phone. Scroll up and see mixed in with flirty texts – Her asking when he was going to propose to me and he ‘lol’d’ and said he was just going to wait a few more years and give the ring to her instead…. I closed his phone and didn’t say a word. He had already been acting distant and I didn’t want to make it worse. I tried to figure out how to approach it. I didn’t know how to without it being my fault. So as my heart broke (again) I held it in.
Finally, weeks later, we were having a loving talk about our relationship. We were trying new things to try to get us back to how we were in the beginning. And I brought up the text. I brought it up in the softest voice I could. I brought it up in a way that let him know, I wasn’t mad – I was hurt. But also, I was scared. I was scared of what it meant. I asked him – Why would you joke about that if you ACTUALLY wanted to marry me. He swore it was a long time joke between them and that he did and will marry me. He was trying hard to convince me with his words that he did actually love me. That is the first time he told me – “Not to look through his phone, b/c I wasn’t going to like what I find”. When I asked him what he meant by that, he said – ‘b/c you will twist everything into something bad’. And then he walked away. I was left so clueless. I couldn’t follow him and question him more about it. It would just upset him. I had no clue what that meant. Was it a confession? I tried to tell him then, that it was fine if his feelings for me had changed. But tell me and let me move on. He swore to me that they hadn’t.
One of the biggest things he claimed was how loyal he is. I had been warned by a few of his friends and a few of his friend’s wives that THAT was a lie. When I was warned by them, I hadn’t caught him in any lies yet. So I took it and filed it away in the back of my mind.
One of the instances that sticks with me is one of the last… It was the one that made me aware that I have now entered the Discard phase of a Narcissist relationship.
We were out boating with one of my best friends and her family that were staying with us from out of town. He told me to change the Pandora station on his phone and when I unlocked it, it opened on his texts and I see a text from a female I have never heard of. She was talking about meeting up for drinks. The text thread was short but the first text didn’t seem like it was the middle of a something already discussed. So He had been deleting this text thread. My stomach dropped so fast that I physically threw up a little bit in my mouth. I couldn’t hold this one in long. So as I pretended everything was okay, I acted as if I was scrolling through Pandora stations trying to decide…. With trembling hands, I screenshotted the conversation and sent it to myself. Deleted the pic in the text thread. Then deleted it from his pics. I knew if I didn’t have hard core evidence that he would delete it and lie about it and I would let him convince me that I didn’t see what I thought I saw.. I needed the evidence not to convince him, but MYSELF.
So I switched the Pandora station. Put his phone down. Picked up mine and I texted the screenshot to my friend who was 3 feet from me and I asked her what I should do. She agreed, just ask him and I will know everything I need to know by his reply.
I told myself that if he isn’t loving and open about who this woman is, when I ask him, that if he freaks out or tries to lie or make this my fault – Then, I promised myself that I would be open to the fact that I may be getting played. That this whole time he could be who he promised he wasn’t. Sometimes you have to be “open” to seeing that before you see it about someone. Sometimes it can come on all of a sudden and sometimes it is slow moving. You have to pull yourself out slowly. I didn’t want to be wrong. If it actually what I THOUGHT it was. I would do anything to salvage it. But I will not live my life being someone’s blind fool.
We went over where you could walk in the water, so the kids could play and I nicely pulled him aside. I tried to make him feel as comfortable as possible. I didn’t want him to think I was trying to attack him or not give him a chance to explain I tried to tell him it isn’t a big deal if he just answers a couple questions. I even reminded him about the agreement about coming to each other about stuff like that we had- We don’t assume and We need to talk about stuff (I am pretty sure that was his ‘rule’).. I lowered my voice to just above a whisper and I asked him who she was…… He lost it. He started yelling at me and told me that “he told me not to go through his phone…. That I wasn’t gonna like what I find.” He stormed off back toward the boat while he was still yelling at me and went back to our friends….. And I knew… I knew he was lying.
I couldn’t follow him. It would just cause more yelling and I was not going to do that in front of my friends and their kids. So I walked to shore and walked home. He continued to hang out on the boat and even called some neighbors to joining him for a wakeboard sesh. He came home after the sun went down. Didn’t say a word and went down stairs to play pool. Like nothing was wrong. I caught him in a couple more lies about her and who she was when he finally wanted to talk about it. So I gave up. Any chance I gave him to show me he was the man that he claimed to be, he eagerly showed me his true colors.
I had to start being open to seeing him for what he is not who he pretended to be and not who I think he has the capabilities of being. I had already been told about narcissist and started researching about it. The discard phase is very real. And it usually follows a pattern….
He was looking for a new “supply”. Not even a few months later when I realized who won the new supply title I told him I know he has been cheating on my with her. A neighbor who I thought was a close friend of mine tried to tell me that he wasn’t cheating then a couple days later was caught helping my NarcEx sneak the girl to her house, when the girl showed up while I was there (unexpectedly). As soon as I saw her I knew who she was and I knew they have been talking inappropriately for awhile. He hadn’t been coming home until late with bs excuses that the bar let them stay until 3:30am and continue to hang out and drink… He had been liking her social media posts that go back weeks. In the last few weeks of our relationship he was breaking promises and date nights, he stopped kissing me goodnight and telling me he loved me on top of a lot of other things…and she had been posting memes about “worth the wait” and “finally happening”… “that now they could be together…”. He denied it all and when asked about him liking her pics he said he must have accidently liked them while scrolling through his timeline. The neighbor I thought was a friend even defended that excuse for him. She looked me in my eyes and told me that she believed that he liked the last 10 pictures of her “accidently”.
Another one dead and gone.
Trust can be hard on the heart. My heart broke again. But this time for the friend I thought I had in this person. I accepted her path and mourned what I ‘thought’ her and my relationship was, along side my NarcEx’s, in my healing process. I trusted her. This was a friend I thought I had gotten really close to. I had been there for her during some tough times in her relationship and we bonded on how crappy we were treated. I would have done anything for her. I defended her when some people told me to watch out for her. That they didn’t trust something about her… she took any and everything I said to her about him, acted like she was helping me, then sold me out to him multiple times, which helped him get away with even more.