I have had a hard time writing and getting into it lately.. Writing about this tends to bring out anxiety like I am reliving it, and causes my nerve pain to act up. So, when I need, I will take time just to live my life and forget about it and come back refreshed. Like everything that has happened in my life, this is now a part of me and has turned me into a different version of myself. Writing about it feels so much better afterwards. To get it out and then I can let it go. I want people to learn from me and hopefully let my experiences help them realize that it isn’t you. and that this is so much deeper than just a bad relationship. I have had those before and I handle them just fine (I’ll give you references if you want **laughing emoji** no. but seriously). This was a relationship that stripped me of any and everything that I was without me knowing. It left an empty shell of me that I couldn’t even recognize.
I was stuck with someone who made me feel broken and used – and then convinced me that I did it to myself.
Mind games were constant, 90% of the time I had not clue what was going on but looking back, it’s very clear. One very REAL conversation that we had was that I wasn’t allowed to tell him what to do b/c “he had a problem with authority and it made him want to do the opposite”. But when I DIDN’T tell him what to do, he blamed his wrong decisions on me, for not telling him what to do… He acts very go with the flow and easy going but everything had to be on his terms. I finally gave up on asking him to do most things.
- A few years ago I posted something that said – Give a man the space to make his own decisions and watch what kind of man he is. I fully agree with that. At this point I was made aware that I may be in a abusive relationship but I needed to start getting better to make sure. I took my own advice and I started telling him – “Just do what you think is right”.
I don’t know many people who have to tell their BF of two years to cancel his tattoo appointment that is scheduled right in the middle of her grandpa’s funeral. But here I was, trying to act like it was normal when he then stormed out to go to his appointment b/c “I was paying more attention to other people and he knows when he’s not wanted”. Only to have him show up at the burial, pulled me aside and scolded me. I acted like it was normal to send me son to the car so he didn’t have to stand there and listen to it, when less than 2 minutes earlier they had lowered his great grandpa in to the ground. I told me that if he is going to go back to my grandma’s with me that I need to make him feel more welcomed.. And then I asked why he came back (hoping it was b/c he wanted to be there for me) he said, “funny thing, my tattoo guy cancelled on me). And when I wasn’t stoked that he DIDN’T come back bc he realized it was the right thing to do.. He scolded me again and told me that it doesn’t matter why he was there, that it just mattered that he was there… then he said, “NO! You know what? I don’t have to take this!” and I watched him storm off again….. to go boating with the neighbors.
I had to act like it was normal that I couldn’t tell him to go to my mammogram appt after I found a lump. He had a side job and made me feel guilty about how long this person has waited to get started and if he didn’t do it today, then he didn’t know when he could get to it….. So… He wasn’t there when they said they couldn’t tell from the mammogram and they wanted to see if they could drain it and test it immediately to see if it was what they were hoping it was. If not, then we need to go over next steps (Luckily it was benign). Waiting on THAT, was a moment that is not best waited alone. He was supposed to do a side job but they cancelled on his way there so he decided to go to the gym instead of being there for me. He didn’t call or text or try to get ahold of me when his side job cancelled, He just went straight to the gym.
Where in the beginning we were both putting each other first, in the end it was all one sided. If I did something with out him I felt guilty b/c he would send me a bunch of sad faces 😦 or tell me how “he feels left out”.
IF I did things that he couldn’t, I would either try to help him feel more involved by constantly texting and sending him pics (but sometimes that pissed him off more).. or being extra lovey with him. Or I would just not do anything that he would want to do. I didn’t have to feel guilty if I was at home and didn’t have to worry about missing out. It’s weird though – I can’t tell you how many morning wakeboard seshes I missed out on, or breakfast on the lake, how many lunches and just beers hanging out b/c I was working and not once did he feel bad about it (he actually loved joking about it)…. Yet I tried so hard to accommodate him. **Shakes head**
Once, we got an informal invite to one of our neighbor’s weddings. We planned on going but that day had been weird. He had been in a weird mood all day. This is one of those days where he acts like he is pissed at me but never tells me why. Instead I get the silent treatment or very short answers (anyone else arounds him, gets normal him). I can’t do anything to cheer him up. I can’t flirt with him or compliment him enough. I can’t kiss him enough of smack his butt enough. But that didn’t keep me from trying. Sadly, nothing got him out of this mood with me – unless people were watching… and even then, it wasn’t “normal”, it’s just not as bad as it is when we are alone.
So as I am getting ready, he asks me to get his clothes ready and I tell him I am trying to get ready, myself and am running behind that he can pick out his clothes.. Then he says he isn’t going. I am half way ready already. But I know I can’t argue with him. It will just make things worse. I have to let him do what ever he wants. I got his clothes ready on most occasions but I am not going to stress myself out more to do it when he is capable. I talked one of the neighbors about him not going now and they asked me to go with them.
It’s hard to decide whether or not you want to be around people only to get treated a little better but know it is a lie or being alone in your misery so at least you don’t have to be fake.
I decided not to go to the wedding for multiple reasons; if I went I knew I would get a big guilt trip about him missing out and would possibly “pay for it” with him going on a binder with friends and coming home at what ever hours he decides. I just couldn’t trust my mouth. I share too much sometimes (most times). There are days I know I can control it and days where I know my limits and sometimes I have to be preventative, this was one of those days. Also knew that the first thing EVERYONE there would ask me is – where my NarcEx was?.. I had no clue how to answer that. Lying about stuff like that gives me terrible anxiety. Plan and simple, it was easier not to go.
So I told him I wasn’t going to go without him but I was going to go to my sister’s instead and give him some alone time. “..if that is what he is needing but just cant say it”.. He promised me that he wasn’t acting like that b/c of me. Then said some demeaning comment about me not being able to do things without him. (I looked back at that comment many times and it is this comment actually had me thinking he was like this b/c I was too submissive with him, and maybe he wanted to fall back in love with the strong willed person I was, when we first met).
An hour or two later and I am sitting on my sister’s back porch talking and instinctively scrolling through Facebook and then I see my NarcEx tagged in pictures at the wedding that is going on right at that moment. Smiling big. And he dressed himself!
He told me he changed his mind and decided to go with the neighbors after I left. They left not just five minutes after I did. I asked why he didn’t call me when he changed his mind so we could go together and he just said “I don’t know”.
Games like that went on during any special occasion. Name a holiday, birthday, anniversary and I can tell you how he played some mind game, wasn’t there, or did something crazy to put the spot light on him. I have a theory that he choose to constantly play this mind game b/c he knew how much I hated silent treatment. Though this was the first time I had ever experienced it without actually doing something to warrant it. And even in the most loving conversations where I gave him a “safe space” to tell me if it was something I was doing that made him act this way toward only me. He could give me nothing b/c he knew if he told me it- I would fix it.
After all that there are a few times where the wedding got brought up he would just look at me and give a little giggle.