I have plenty of stories on how I was manipulated on vacations by my NarcEx. This blog is a tale of just two of those times.
When we first met he talked about how he liked to travel. That was a huge part of what I loved about him. We quickly went on several vacations together and had a blast. We loved traveling together. There was no drama. Then all of a sudden he had guy trip, after guy trip, after guy trip… after guy trip.
I would try to book trips with him but he gave excuse after excuse why WE couldn’t but he could go on all the guy trips. So I thought – No big deal, I will just go on my own trip like he does.
The First attempt:
He had announced his 4th guy trip in a row since the last time him and I went on a trip and I decided that was it. I was taking a trip too. I was going to take a trip the same time he was taking his. It lined up during a time where my best friend who was a nurse and had a crazy schedule was already scheduled off from work. We would both be going to CO but a couple hours away from each other. I would still take my own car and leave a little later than them.
He acted fine with it at first. Leaving the house, cat, and our dog required preperations. The house was still a mess b/c we were still getting settled and our dog had just recently started acting out and developed bad seperation anxiety (I hadn’t discovered the thunder vest yet). He would and could tear some things up and I couldn’t ask someone to watch him and have him destroy their house. He was more comfortable in our house. So we would have to have someone stay in the house. With us still being new, I was still getting things set up and unpacked.. I had a list of things to do to get the house ready for a guest to stay there. He more than willingly agreed to help me with the list. He told me to just let him know what he could do.. So I told him the things I needed help with. He said okay and went about his day and the next day. I didn’t bother him about it – I shouldn’t have to babysit him. He knows what needs to be done and when it needs to be done by.
As the time got closer and nothing was done yet and I was getting done with everything on the list except for the things that I NEEDED his help with.
Which was fine. I wasn’t even mad. but we also discussed that his trip would happen no matter what, but mine would only happen if we got everything in order before it was time to leave. And that decsion was on me. I couldn’t go and be worried about my dog. I see now, that telling this to my NarcEx basically gave him an open door to sabotage my whole trip. And he took full advantage of it.
He purposely put off the list of things to do until the day before we left. He promised me that morning as he left for the gym that he would be home early to help me. But then after the gym he decided to play indoor golf, with the buddies that he was just about to go on a trip with. I didn’t even get mad at him for that. He came home WAY later then he said he would, I didn’t even get mad at that. He came home drunk and stumbled into the house, I didn’t even get mad at him for that. I greeted him like I always did. Gave him a kiss and tasted the liquor on his lips. I asked him how it was and then asked him if he was ready to go help me move this stuff he promised he’d help with. He was almost shocked I was fine.. I was being sweet and listening to his stories. Didn’t care. You can do what ever you want as long as you make good on your word. You put me off multiple times, this was his last chance to make good on his promise to me.
He started out helping me and then all of a sudden he disappeared. I went down stairs to find him on the couch. He went off on me about buying the house and the trip and started a whole crying fiasco (not about me but about buying the lake house we were only temporarily living in at the time while we looked for an acreage).
That turned into me trying to console him for hours. When I finally got him calmed down I asked if he could help me finish what I needed his help with and since I was leaving later I could stay up later finishing the rest. He told me – “No. Don’t be selfish, I need sleep I leave earlier than you”.
We never got the list done and the next day he went on the trip and I stayed home from mine. Even at the time I felt that he purposely ruined that for me, Now I know he did.
The Second attempt:
A year after that failed attempt and many guy trips for the NarcEx later – I decided it was time to go on my roadtrip to see my best friend, that I missed. So I planned it again. At first he acted like he was fine with it but as the time got closer, he started making me feel bad about going on the trip and I almost called it off just to not deal with the drama of going.
In order for me to go I had to be EXTRA nice. I had to basically let him get away with ANYTHING and everything b/c if I commented on one little thing he did, even if it was blatently disrespectful towards me, I had to bite my tongue. Any little thing that gave him a reason to start a fight knowing I would either; not go b/c I cared too much and he knew I would stay to put him first – Or – I would rebel against him and go anyways but not have a good time b/c all I would think about was our fight. It’s happened many times before. At THIS point in the relationship I was already suspect to his mind games and I began to recognize the patterns.
I even had a talk with his mom about this in the driveway she asked me when I was planning on leaving and I told her “I didn’t know if I was going to go now”. She asked why and I told her some of the things her son was saying and she agreed he was being a “baby” about it. She told me to not listen to him and that I better go on this trip and don’t let him make me feel bad about it. She made me feel better about going. So the trip was back on.
I needed this time away from him. We were in full blown, I KNOW something is off with him and I needed time away to figure out if he is as bad as people say he is. Once he realized I was going he started to try to go with. But I used one of his reasons why I shouldn’t go against him – he already told me we couldn’t do a trip b/c of his work schedule. He didn’t think I would make the trip alone. But I did.
The first day I was there he tried to make me feel bad and tell me he felt left out.
Mind you: this is the Second trip I had taken without him (the first one being two weeks into our relationship for a two day concert).
At this point he had take around 7 trips/weekend getaways without me and I never acted the way he did while on this trip.
Sidebar: Now that I know how much he lies and cheats, I am almost 100% positive he cheated on me on pry all of those trips. He openly told me about other friends who hooked up and acted like he was sickened by it and now I am sure he did it to. He told me about girls they just met and gave him and the guys rides back to the hotels. I never questioned any of it then, but knowing what I know now – I am sure he did more than what he said.
He had me feeling so bad that I almost left to go back home the FIRST day I was there. I JUST drove 9 hours and I was about to turn around and drive 9 hours back. He was telling him I didn’t put him first and I knew that was a BS lie. Everything I did was for him. If he ever challenged me, I called his bluff.
I told him I was packing back up and would be back on the road in a few hours. I hop in the shower and start getting ready to leave. I see I missed his call so I called him back. He was just acting like nothing was going on.. “Whatcha doin?” He asked.
“Just got out of the shower, getting ready to hit the road again”. He asked me why I would do that and I told him that his feelings were the most important thing to me and if I made him feel unloved or leftout that I would do what it took to prove to him that he is more important than that, so I was on my way back.
He told me not to and to stay and enjoy my trip. I am sure he only said that b/c he knew my friend would ask why and it would make him look bad. He barely talked to me the rest of the time I was out there. On the drive back he kept telling me to keep him updated about when I would be home. I thought it was because he wanted to make sure he was home when I got there so he could tell me he was happy I had a great trip and say he missed me. But when I got home – instead of waiting to greet me, he was out at the bar with his buddies. I came home to an empty house.