This week break I took had so much in it, that I’ll pry have to break this up in several parts, but we’ll see. Let’s see how it goes.
** I did not break it down. So buckle in for the ride. It’s a small glimpse of the past week.
I’m back home from my trip to DC and back in my favorite little writing corner. I got home late tuesday night/early Wednesday morning.
Traveling at night is great bc the planes are half full. Both flights I got all three seats in the row to myself, so I sprawled out across them all. As comfy as it is, night traveling in the Midwest during winter can get pretty sketchy. Luckily my flight back home wasn’t one of the ones that ended up getting cancelled- but we were delayed for multiple reasons: Weather and de-icing the plane, flight crew was coming from another plane that was coming in but delayed, and no co-pilot ever scheduled for our flight😳😂💁🏻♀️. That one was actually pretty funny. I don’t think anyone on the flight minded any of it- as long as we didn’t get cancelled.. So after a long night getting in, all I wanted to do on Wednesday was lay around and ‘regroup’ – but my past Self knew future Self was going to try that, so she purposely scheduled a counseling appt for noon the day after I got back from this trip…. And good thing. 😊
I’M NOT A NEGATIVE PERSON:
I was already in a great mind set after this trip and the therapy session just added to that. After that I ran to the grocery store and came home to unpack. Music blaring, dancing around as I unpacked each item individually from the grocery bags and separated them in categories depending on where they go in the kitchen/house. I get OCD about my house chores sometimes💁🏻♀️. But this type of stuff makes me extremely happy, for some reason. And mid dance move, I stop and look around. I make note of the huge smile on my face, there is no mirror around so I just feel it. I feel light, my smile feels effortless, no more forced smiles to hide the confusion and uncertainty caused by the Narcs mind games. I take in that this is MY house and it can’t be used against me. I’m taking in the warm feeling of happiness in my body. I can breathe easy. I dance in MY kitchen like I’m crushing every egg shell that I just spent two years tiptoeing around. I make note of the food that is now out of the grocery bags and deteriorated into categories – ready to be put in their homes. And I realize it’s mostly healthy food – when once I was told I eat nothing but junk. I didn’t go to the store with a list I just bought what I was craving.
EATING DISORDERS AND MY DIET IMPROVES WITH MY DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY:
I’ve always struggled with eating disorders. In the past it was anorexia. I could go months with eating very very little, but I have always been able to pull myself out of it when I get to the point where my weightloss caused people to start questioning IF I’m eating. More recently, I learned/realized I was using sugar to cope with everything I was going through… I could eat cookies, candy, etc ALL day. I craved it. As I’ve worked through ask if this and moved into my house and got my life back- I’ve realized that when I feel better about myself, I eat healthier without even trying.
Over the past year it had gotten out of control living with him I would either eat sugar all day everyday or go days at a time without eating bc the emotional abuse was so bad that it made me sick to my stomach. I would feel so hurt and confused and alone that I would literally get sick about how someone could knowingly do this to someone and act like they didn’t know what they were doing. He always acted clueless and then talked crap about the stuff his friends did behind their gf/spouses backs or how they treated their gf/spouses. Which makes me believe if he can see and acknowledge his own friends doing it, he HAS to see what he was doing…… (Right?)
But he always acted like I was so gross for eating what I ate. But now I’ve noticed, when I get better, everything else just seems to follow along. So, if I had to guess, I just turned focus to a different type of eating disorder -OR- It could have been bc it was the only way to reward myself for the crap I put up with (yay Katie!! 🎉 You’re being true to yourself and doing everything you can… Here’s a cookie 🍪🍪🍪🍪💁🏻♀️). But anywho, Now that I’m in my own home, I’m cooking again and making healthy well balanced meals just bc I’m happy. And I’m craving good foods again.
Life is great! 😊
STAYING POSITIVE WITHOUT THERAPY:
I think about how I was once told I was a negative person which is odd, I feel positive. I am loving life right now. This is the most put together I’ve ever felt. Which may seem weird given I just mourned a relationship/life/dream, I lost my dog, friends, and people I considered my own family. I lost my home and have been FIGHTING my way back to get what I had before I ever met him. Six months later, I’ve worked harder than I ever have in my life. I had people trying to keep up and they couldn’t. I worked myself to pure exhaustion, took.a five minute yoga break and kept going.. And just when I think I can see the light at the end of my tunnel, Two weeks after I finished my house enough to close on the loan- my job does a mass layoff, and with it goes my awesome health insurance (And with that, goes counseling). Six months ago I wouldn’t have been able to go without therapy. I NEEDED it to remind myself who I am, it holds me accountable and keeps me from going backwards. My “52” guided me to where I am (ask for more details, otherwise I’ll get into it in future blogs). I could not have made it six months ago, or even three months ago. But Today- I’m strong enough to go without therapy. I’m extremely grateful that I lost my job now and not six months ago. 🙌🙏 and extra lucky my therapist will be starting Good Gatherings, a way to meet up in groups as a way to support, build, and learn from each other.
I’ve never felt so put together. I’m not sure what track I’m on right now.. I have no clue where the destination is. I’m just winging it and doing what feels right for my soul. What ever track I’m on, I’m on the right one. Doors are opening for me that I never thought were an option for me. Old dreams are now plans. I have so many great people in my life right now. Old and new friends- I feel like God brought everyone who was ever important to me, back. and then threw in few new ones, to RALLY around me during all of this. Leaving my last relationship was the hardest thing I have ever had to do to on so many levels. And I never would have gotten through it as easily as I did without all my friends. Relationships (Any and all; romantic, friendship, business, parent/child, etc.) can make or break you.
TRAVELING TO DC TO VISIT MY EX-HUSBAND:
If you truly know me, this is no surprise. My first husband, his wife and I are great friends and do an awesome job co-parenting our Son.
Taking a trip to visit my second ex-husband was originally about just a quick getaway trip. I have never been to DC and for what ever reason, he still has a strong sense to take care of me. He had been offering since he stopped through 5 months ago on his way to PCS there from Washington State. He wanted to get me away from Omaha, so I could clear my mind of everything that has been going on.
It was a great get-a-way trip…. and so much more. This was, unexpectedly, the most therapeutic trip I have ever taken. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting out of this five day trip- We divorced in 2012 and have always kept in touch with a healthy boundary if we are dating that the other one know and we are cool with not talking of they aren’t okay with it. But still, we haven’t seen each other for more than just a few hours at a time pry since I left him in Germany at start of our divorce. It wasn’t awkward, there were no ill feelings. It was just like hanging out with a best friend I hadn’t seen in years. All our inside jokes came back. We had “uhah” moments and found new ways to poke fun at each other. We reminisced and called each other out on a few things. Then we caught up on everything that we’ve been doing since the divorce (including dating stories. His beat out mine, I think… 🤣🤦🏻♀️🙋🏾♂️).
He is someone who has seen me at my worst (through my mom’s death and almost losing my brother). He’s also seen me at some of my best times – getting to take me on my first plane ride (to the Philippines) and showing me the ocean for the first time. And I’ve seen him in some dark moments, like after he returned from IRAQ in 2008- he’s still surviving with PTSD. He has hit some dark places, but he’s never stayed there. He continues to move forward. He’s had to be REAL honest with himself and even when it’s a hard pill to swallow, he could, and would, take down like a real man, with a shot of your finest whisky 😉🥃. He’ll admit when things are hard and use that to prove he’s strong enough to over come it (that’s also in part bc of his stubbornness). He has started going down the wrong path more times than he would like to admit, but like me, He will STILL tell you about every single one of them. He’ll go in to detail about how it broke him and what he learned from it. And tell you how it brought him to where he is now. He still has some demons he’s fighting (just like myself) but I’m extremely proud of him for how far he’s come and for never giving up (they grow up so fast 😥😏).
He is bound and determined to constantly become a better version of himself. It’s fun to see how some things never change and it was just as fun to learn about what has. It was a great trip that turned my ex-husband back into one of my best friends. We know each other’s capabilities and we are both big enough jerks to hold each other to them.
We were together over 7 years, how can you spend so much time with someone and just kick them out of your life (unless you have to bc it’s toxic)? He was once someone I loved enough to marry, that’s a big deal to me. It sucks that it didn’t work out but we can still be great friends – and we are💃🏻🕺🏻.
If I were to ever become a mob boss – My Ex-husband would be my first pick to be in my mob. 😂 😎😑 🔫 🔪 🎯♥
BE YOURSELF, THEN PAY ATTENTION TO LEARN WHO YOU ARE:
Being around someone who knows how I am already and how I think, someone who can follow my constant topic changes and doesn’t get annoyed or offended by everything I say. It was easy to be myself.
And in doing so, I learned a lot about myself on this trip –
I learned I can and will dance anywhere (l dance like idc that everyone’s watching).
I learned I can forgive and still mold a love for someone who I care for.
I learned I have healthy boundaries. And I’m worth more than I give myself credit for.
I learned am more forgiving with others than I am with myself.
During this trip, my ex said the phrase, while laughing, “I almost forgot how fun you are to be around.” on multiple occasions. Hearing that caught me off guard. I had convinced myself, maybe I was miserable to be around before my relationship with the Narcissist… Maybe I just wasn’t aware of what a downer I was until recently and no one ever told me. It’s a weird thing to hear when you’re so use to hearing things like “You’re so negative”, “you kill the vibe.” Etc. It was just validation that I am back to who I was, but better. 😊
LOVING THE IDEA OF ME:
At one point we discussed the kind of men I attract and I heard my ex husband tell me- “Men see the goofy fun personality and drive that you have and they want it in their lives. And when they realize that they can’t keep up, they decide to drag you down instead to not make them feel like they are inadequate and the inferior one in the relationship.” And that hit me hard.
I’ve been in relationships where men say that I’m never satisfied or that nothing they do is never good enough, even though I had never said that. I just like moving and improving.
I can tell by the look in my ex-husband’s eyes, when I talk to him that he still has a love for me. It’s not an “obsession” or lust, which is what I seem to get a lot of. I have to constantly talk men down who think they are in love with me. Men have conversations with me and fall in love with the idea of me. I’m laid back and straight to the point. I don’t like bs’ing, it’s a waste of my time. I go straight to the deep stuff (tell me; your deepest regret, your alien attack plan, what dream you’re currently working on). They love my passion and intelligence. How understanding I am with their past. They love my independence and my persistence. They fall in love with my story and everything I’ve been through and how I’m so positive about what I got out of so many terrible experiences and they admire my strength that keeps me going. They love how I’m “old school” with men and women roles but can still handle it all on my own. And they love how AWARE I am. I know all my flaws and will ‘B Rabbit’ myself with a confidence that will draw you in…
They love the idea of me, but then they realize I don’t sit still. I love working. I love house work and projects. I love learning new things and trying to better myself. I want to do things, constantly – but not the same thing over and over. You can’t grow doing that and this can get tiring for people who love their comfort zones. The idea of me sounds great, but I know it’s exhausting for other people. I love life and I love learning more about myself while I try to become my best version. It blows my mind how many people are content with living a miserable life. I think complaining is a terrible habit that can take over your life by contaminating all your thoughts and eventually your actions.
Seeing that someone you had once made a life long commitment to still has a love for you is great closure. That means it was real. It wasn’t all a waste. You can see that you two really did care for and love each other, you just couldn’t make it through what ever it is that “broke” you. Add that’s okay. 💁🏻♀️ life is like that sometimes. It doesn’t mean you have to hate the person or completely delete them from your life (as long as healthy boundaries are accepted on both sides). If someone can help you grow and they can help you grow, keep that ish going!
Being married and divorced twice in your 20’s is nothing to brag about. But I don’t regret any of it. And I’m not going to deny it. I’ve learned so much from it. I know my Ex-husband has so many regrets with us. The look in his eyes tell me that he’s sorry for what he did and I know he could take it all back if he could. I know it hurts him still. I can tell he looks at me and feels bad about the hurt I endured after him. Like he could have prevented it. I know part of him thinks if he could have been who he “should” have been back then, that we’d have a happy life. And I never would have had to go through things like this again. His heart/soul is bigger than his demons. And that is why, even though he hasn’t forgiven himself yet, I have forgiven him a long time ago.
** Ex-hubby, Thank you for a great trip and Thanks for being one of my people. Thank you for fighting to be better and do better. You’re the “chapion” of life! 🏆👈😜