Trying to make sense of how things got so bad I looked for any reason it could have gotten as bad as it did (and as quickly as it did). Toward the end, I was convinced he was treating me the way he was bc my depression turned me into someone else and I was no longer the person he fell in love with. I thought- if that was the case I had to get back to who I was when we first starting talking- I was a “bad B” (you know, kinda like how I am RIGHT NOW #maybeimbetteralone… 😜😘) – I had my own house, good career, big dreams and I was chasing them, I had raised and am raising, still, an AWESOME kid, I was independent and out spoken, I wasn’t afraid of anything and was excited for life! But that wasn’t the case. As I fought to become who I was when he met me he retreated and started acting out more. He stopped being so subtle about the way he manipulated me. The “better” I got, the worse he treated me.
But like my therapist said – if I was the problem there wouldn’t be a problem.
Dear Narcissist ex,
Thank you for being my stepping stool to being a better version of who I already was.
You built me up and then stripped me down to the bare bones. You exposed every insecurity I had so I could confront them all. You made sure I could only depend on myself which just helped strengthen my best characteristics.
Thank you; for giving me the opportunity to show my self what I am capable of.
For giving me the opportunity to prove how much I am willing to give to someone that I love
For showing me that I see the good in people, and continue to, even after I know they have purposely caused me so much pain.
For giving the opportunity to prove that I am a positive person. I don’t dwell on the past, I accept and embrace it as a part of me. I’m proud of who I am and what I’ve been through in my life. I haven’t met many people that have went thru the level of crap I’ve been through and are on the same level that I am.
From this experience- I’ve learned the one word that best describes me is – RESILIENT.
I may allow myself to get to a low point but I will ALWAYS bounce back. I don’t give up. And yes, I allowed myself to get that low. I chose to give everything I had, so that I could be true to myself. I did what I promised. I was who I said I was and I’ve proven that 1000x’s over. You got me, but only by lying.
Too bad you couldn’t actually believe the things that you said to get me. Too bad you weren’t who you promised me you were. Look at everything I accomolished alone in these past five months compared to when I supposedly had someone who supported and believed in me. I invested my money into our relationship and I lost. If you would have believed in me (in us) like you claimed you did then you would have actually invested in us and based on what I’ve just proven I can do -spoiler alert- it would have been a win for you 😉. Too bad it was all a lie to get me, only so you could destroy me.
Imagine if you were who you said you were- we would have been the power couple we said we’d be. We’d have the kids and the ‘happily ever after’ that you said you wanted.
But that’s alright 😊. Maybe you were never meant to go on this journey with me. It had to be exhausting for you, to pretend- for so long, to be on my same level (you held on longer than I’d expect), bc I know how exhausting it was for mex when you brought me down to your level🤭. Maybe God just knew that you couldn’t handle it 🤷🏻♀️. But seriously- Everything happens for a reason and I think God knew I had to do this alone.
I shouldn’t have let you distract me enough to get me off track. I won’t make that same mistake again. I prayed to never let that happen again and now I have no desire to date. I can’t even think about another guy that I would like, right now. And I’m perfectly happy with that. I know God is placing me where I am supposed to be. Maybe I needed to go through all that hurt and deceit before I can get up to my next growth level. Kinda like a stepping stool 😂.
It is weird bc now when I see you in pictures, I don’t recognize you at all. Your face looks familiar but you are a complete stranger to me. The man I thought you were would never have done what you’ve done. But as it turns out that person never really existed. If the person was a fake so was the love. However, I did still feel sorry for you. I’m not sure why or how you ended up being someone who was capable of the things you knowingly did to me (and others, from what I’ve been told), but it must have been terrible. I pray you find peace in your heart (i’ve actually been paying this for over a year, tho I did stop for awhile when I caught you cheating).
I hope you truly find someone who brings out the best in you always. But until then, I pray you will be kinder to your new victims.
Sincerely, your “Momma”
Now known as- Narc survivor.