Broken and Empty: Everything I was, was gone.

Sometimes you can or must fix the mistake by still staying consumed in it.. But sometimes you have to completely remove yourself from the mistake and then start on fixing the destruction that IT caused.

I gave everything I had to my relationship with the Narcissist. I know this for a fact bc I had never given so much before that it took my health. I did what I could to hold on but for my sanity and for my health I HAD to get out. Which meant- I had to give up. I hated that. It tore me apart- having to do it in general and having to put my son through it.

None of this made sense. How can someone you love tear you down to the bare bones. I felt like everything I was, was gone. I didn’t catch it bc it didn’t happen all at once.. It happened slowly, over time, one at a time…

I was an independent person who loved my space and doing things for myself is first nature to me. -by the time I had realized he wasn’t who he said he was- I had already sold my house and car and now depended on him solely for shelter and transportation.

I was a mother, and a damn good one, it has been my most favorite job ever and I take it VERY seriously. – moving to HIS house was supposed to be temporary, in which my son’s dad and I had an agreement that he would take him while we stayed out there (it was about 30 minutes farther from his school). I was supposed to get custody back when we found an acreage, but we never moved from the lake house (and he never planned to).- In the end we lived in HIS house for two and a half years. My son would visit but didn’t like staying out there bc of how far it was away from everything. I had never been a part time mother before and it was crushing.

I was positive. I was the annoyingly happy person at work. I sing and dance around often and my favorite thing to do is laugh. But I also loved a good serious talk. I love life experiences and talking about how they can mold you. Talking and debating about life is what wakes my mind. Life is all about growth and that’s a beautiful thing. In the beginning he would stay up all night and have these talks with me. But somewhere along the line he started viewing these talks as “negative” and shut it down. No more talking/planning the future we were planning together (acreage, married, kids)- I’m negative and can’t just be happy with what I have right now. No more talking about emotional growth and what we have learned from hard experiences and if/how we are still working through those – bc to him, I only want to talk about negative topics. If I tried to call out a safety hazard before someone got hurt- to him, I’m negative and always thinking the worst. It slowly seeped into my brain until I believed it. Hearing something about yourself so often, wears you down and beats into your unconscious thoughts and it becomes your new truth. That, then turned into comments about how people don’t want to be around me and how it’s my fault he doesn’t see his friends or family as much. I fell into a confusing depression with no clue how I got there or how I become this horribly negative person.

I was social before him. I didn’t go out a lot but I’d definitely be up for something new and random when friends asked (My circle is just small).. I became even more of a home body when I moved to HIS house and then shortly after, started working from home. Having our dog that had seperation anxiety and being a lot farther out from everything made it an easy excuse to stay home. The Narcissist would never give me exact times on when he’d be home. In the beginning he made a big deal about loving to come home to me. I always felt I had to be home waiting for him bc our time was always limited. And even in the end, he had my loyalty, bc he would be out with friends/other women and I’d be at home…. waiting.

Before him, I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t bitter. When I met him, I was ready to be single and excited about it. The last thing I needing was a relationship. I was on track for the plans I had for my life/future. I had went through my second divorce in 2011 and then had a life crushing breakup after that. I have to rebuild my life more than once bc of cheating and lying. But at this point I had worked through all of that and felt good about where I was in my life. Then the Narc came along- I only went on the date with intentions of kinda hanging out… But he got to know me and mirrored me so well that I thought I had found my other half. Everything fell into place so well and so quickly, it’s like it was “meant to be”. Our paths had almost crossed a million times but never did and we thought it was all about timing. This was perfect timing for both of us. He was done partying and wanted to settle down and get married and wanted an understanding house wife to raise his kids bc he works a lot and had a very random schedule. Everything on how we wanted to live and how we wanted to raise our kids was right on with what the other one wanted. He loved how I’ve raised my son (that was one of his biggest brags on me). We both wanted to live out in the country, have goats and chickens with a big garden, have four wheelers and raise our kids with no electronics. He wanted EVERYTHING that I wanted!! And It was perfect timing in my life.. and his. But that was all a lie. He slowly changed his mind about everything we said we wanted.

I’m a giver- when I love I give EVERYTHING I have. I’m 100% committed, I’m all in. I don’t even put myself in situations that could ever be questionable. And if I do, I’ll own up to it and do what ever I have to do to work to move past it. When I’m all in- you’re my first priority (along side God and my son). There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. But I have to have the same from you. At the beginning we both seemed to be that for each other, but as he pulled away he gave me an excuse that let him off the hook for an undetermined amount of time and also gave a good reason why I should continue to do the same, if not more, until this undisclosed time frame is up and then “he’ll make up for it”.

If you’re a quick one, then you’ve probably already guessed that this undisclosed timeframe never lapsed. This eventually took everything from me. It took me to a point of exhaustion that eventually gave me shingles which then lead to me now having terrible nerve pain that spikes anytime my blood pressure raises or I have bad anxiety or am overly exhausted. Yoga and breathing exercises have helped control the pain, sometime taking it away completely, other times just lessening the pain I feel. It’s definitely been a pain I’ve had to learn to work thru.

I gave so much to him and got so little in return and some how still gave all my loyalty to him and believed he “was the good person that I knew he could be”.. I wanted to and DID give him everything. I took ALL the risk in the relationship while he let me b/c he looked out only for himself. It was stupid of me. Very stupid. I’m definitely not the type that you think would fall for that. I’ve been through it before, not this bad but bad enough that I should have known what to look for. I was completely duped. I trusted him completely. It’s easy when you know a TON of the same people and everyone is couching for this guy. I combined my whole life into his and he took what he had use for and moved on to the next.

2 comments

  1. Well I mean he probably would have been nicer if he was home when you took just about EVERYTHING. Including most of his stuff. And you should also include how quick you were to move in🙄🤨

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    • He picked the day that I moved out. He knew he was going to be at work and wanted it that way and so did I bc I was scared of him. And rightfully so. He tried to fight everyone there. The things I took, were his high school memories and things that were boxed up with with my things or were reboxed in my tubs so my family thought it was my stuff. I took nothing of hours on purpose, everything was taken on accident and I’ll be more than happy to return what’s his if he’ll do the same. I challenge you to tell me what else I took that was his. And I’ll give it back. While he has so much of mine still. He moved in with ME in MY house after dating for two months and lived at my house for 3 months before I moved in with him. Sooooooo, he was a little quicker to love in than me… 🙂

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