The Moral dilemma starts:
Now that I’ve moved in to my new fully renovated house and am mostly unpacked and settled in. I’m come across a dilemma- In the rush of moving out of the Narcs home, some of his things were taken by mistake. I noticed this when we were trying to unload everything into a single car garage size storage unit. My first thought was- “Well…..crap. I will just have to box it up later and drop it off at his mom’s or sister’s place”. I have now went through and separated the Narcissist’s things from mine and have them packed in my garage ready for drop off. But I can’t bring myself to actually drop them off.
During the weeks of me trying to get my things-
He kept saying- “I just want to make this as easy as I can for you and your son”.
He said it so often I almost believed him. Unfortunately, at this point he had broken EVERY promise he had ever made to me, so I wasn’t counting on it😏. But I thought I at least had a good shot at him not making it EXTRA difficult since he found someone new.
He had also been talking with my family telling them that he just wants me to be happy and hopes he can give me enough space for me to miss him and he will work to get me back.. He told them that he still wants to marry me and that he believed we had “soulmate type love”. He’s such a good liar my family believed him (even after everything I told them🙄). I learned the hard way that Nothing he said could be trusted and they finally got it on moving day.
I had my guard up and worked as fast as I could to get out of there. Once we got through the morning, I thought that we might actually be able to get out of there with no drama. But no such luck.
In the “gracious” 24 hours that he gave me to get out of HIS house. He came home mid afternoon drunk and cut that time short. He started acting erratic and got violent. I had to lock myself in the house and call the police. That was a terrible move on my part. The narc instantly became “buddy buddy” with the police officers (challenging them in a game of pool and joking around with them). We were forced to leave with what was already packed, outside and what would fit in one trip. Totes and boxes were the easiest grab but I didn’t have time to separate his things out of them. I had one shot to get as much of my things as I could while getting pressure from the police to “hurry up”. They let him sit outside and mock me and my family, laughing at me and telling me to “take him to court for the rest of my stuff” and that “some of it can be found in the woods across the street”.
I had a total of 18 hours to gather my things.
That is NOT enough time to separated all of our stuff in this 3500sq ft house, three car garage, with boat garage… We had lived there almost three years at this point. His biggest claim during THAT time was that this was OUR house… Everything we owned was mixed together like a married couple. He didn’t have many possessions (he hates spending money of stuff, but loves a well decorated house) and I was the opposite. Decorating is my jam. I have tons of “stuff”. But that’s bc I keep and take care of my things. I still had things like the outdoor bistro set my grandparents had got me for my 21st birthday (still sitting in front of his house, today). I had a 16 year old and I had 16 years worth of “mom” stuff and things I collected to make a home.
18 hours just wasn’t enough and he knew that. I didn’t want to take anything that was his. I just wanted what was mine- but so did he.
When we finally got the moving truck and all our cars packed with as much as we could fit- He ended it by throwing things at my car and mocking the fact that I couldn’t take my dog as I backed out of the driveway. I couldn’t even look at him. It was sickening that I had let myself get so close to someone who was so evil at heart. I realized then that I had NO clue who this person was And at this point I was just happy to get out. If walking away from the rest of my things meant not seeing him EVER AGAIN- they’re just THINGS, I can forget about it!!
The weeks building up to “move out day”- we had multiple talks about what we were splitting. He tried to get me to negotiate things that were mine or my son’s. Things that I paid for and would have to get again, if I gave them to him. He tried to negotiate gifts I bought for for my son. His entitlement to them was unbelievable.
I told him I would take what was MINE- What I paid for. I’d leave some things I no longer wanted bc I always promised him I wouldn’t leave him with an empty house (like his exes did, or so he says).. But I couldn’t commit on what that would be until I could go through things. This upset him and He allowed me limited access to the house.
I tried multiple times- the only other time I was allowed back to start going through things, I had to leave bc tho he promised he wouldn’t be around, he just HAD to show up. He got mad about me going through things and moving things around when he was going to have a party that weekend.. We got into an argument and I called him out on his cheating (which he still denied at this point but I already knew more than he knew I knew 😉). When I told him how he could prove me wrong right then, he knew he was caught and straight up lost it. I feared for my safety, so I left. The other times I tried to get access to the house he had parties going on and didn’t want me there “killing the vibe”..
I tried to explain to him that I put all my money into decorating that house so I needed to sell the stuff to get money for a new house.. His house was practically empty when we moved in together, he’d still have more than what he came into the relationship with.
He told me that was “not his problem. It was my fault- I should have saved instead of decorating the house”….. But doesn’t understand that if I would have done that, he wouldn’t have this stuff anyways- so why do you think you’re entitled to it NOW when I could just sell it for money for a house…??
I didn’t save to buy a house bc I thought I was building my life here… But that didn’t really work out the way I planned 🤨… So now I am going to take what I paid for (basically what I “invested” in) excluding most of the updates I did on the house that I can’t/won’t take… I’ll leave some items and decorate his house up a bit… But if he wanted me to leave “my investment” that I put into this relationship… Then wouldn’t that mean that I should get some of his?!? (What days do I get to use OUR lake house and OUR boat??) ☝😋🏠 🚤….
But I didn’t ask for anything of his. I’m not an idiot. I know we’re not married so I don’t get any equity in HIS house… I didn’t even ask for our dog, that he always claimed was MY dog -and I would get IF we ever split- bc I had done everything for him since we met, from: feeding, training, walking, bathing, taking him to the vet, etc. And I KNOW certain people out there have heard him state this more than once- but won’t say anything now about why I don’t have my dog….😏👍🏻..
He flipped out on me more than once bc I wouldn’t agree to leave my book shelves (amongst a number of other things I had before I met him) that I bought in Germany (if you know me, you know I have a love for my books and my bookshelves). I’ve been offered a lot more than what I paid for them. If I won’t sell them for profit, I’m not about to give them to some dude who has not only mentally abused me for the past two years, but has also been cheating on me- just so his house won’t look bare.
“You have a paid off $350k house.
Go buy your own decorations and I’ll go buy my own house… 🤷🏻♀️”.
but Explaining logic to a Narc is like trying to breath under water… 🙄
But anywho- back to his stuff being boxed up in my garage and my original thought of always giving it back to him.
I ended up with more things of his than I originally thought. I have his high school memories/trophies and hockey pucks that belonged to his grandpa. I have a bunch of Union Pacific collectable trains and other random items. I made sure to go through everything to give him back anything that is his. I don’t need anything from this man. I see myself as merciful and I have fought hard to not let evil temptation of “revenge” convince me out of taking the high road and being true to myself. Even through all this I had full intentions of returning all his things.. I even reached out to his mom to let her know I would be dropping them off at her house and if her son would like to return any of my items I would greatly appreciate it – but she never responded…. And still, I had full intentions of dropping his things off whether he gave me any of my things back or not… But now that everything is boxed up I just can’t seem to drop it off….
Tho dropping it off would be true to my heart – dropping them off almost feels like I’m letting myself down. I’ve spent three years letting this guy ‘off the hook’. I’ve let him walk all over me while I continued to make excuses for him and keep my word to him. He has gifts I bought for my son, gifts given to me by my dad when I bought my first house, things that belong to my dad, gifts that are given to me by my grandparents that passed, gifts given to me by him, things he has multiple of or no use for.
Me giving him his things back while he gets to keep mine would be me letting him off the hook. And I’m so over it. That’s not me either. I have turned the other cheek more times than I should have. His whole life has been him having his cake and eating it too (and then some). Nobody holds him accountable (either out of fear of him or fear of not being invited to his parties). So he can go ahead and keep my things… But I’m not 100% sure that I’m going to give his things back, yet…
My “Merciful, good heart, I can’t let evil win” side is battling my “I’m not going to continue to give in and let you ‘off the hook’!” Side.