The past six months has been a whirl wind of changes with eye opening experiences and challenges… I have almost lost “it” more times than I’d like to admit. I have fought with myself to do what’s right and make sure my actions have supported the person that I know I am…. And part of who I am, is Faithful in God… Saying you are something doesn’t make it so- you have to back it up… All my major decisions lately have been backed by two things… My “52” (I’ll get into that later) AND a very simple prayer-
“God put me where You want me. Give me the strength to give You all my faith and trust in Your plan. Show me what I am supposed to do and give me the strength to listen”
… I’ve prayed this prayer for just about every thing the past year. I’ve prayed it when I was losing my health… I’ve prayed it when I’ve had no answers… I’ve prayed it when I felt all alone.. I’ve prayed it when I thought I had nothing left to give… I’ve prayed it when I was confused.. I’ve prayed it when I thought I was the crazy one… I prayed it when I didn’t want to believe the signs… I prayed it when I had no clue how I was going to get free.. I prayed it when my nerve pain was acting up bc of the high anxiety and PTSD triggers that all of this caused… I prayed it over and over again when every red flag hit me in the face but instead, I wanted to believe his excuses- so I did.
I prayed it Until God gave me no other choice… bc God knows that the one thing I won’t tolerate is cheating (I did that once before and thought I had already learned my lesson😏)… God gave me undeniable proof and once I confirmed it to be true, it cost me; friends, my dog, belongings of mine and Taiden’s (gifts that were given to me that mean something and gifts I had gotten Taiden. Including things of Gretchen’s, amongst a long list of other things), my health, my home, my happy ever after, trust in my ability to read someone’s true character (I read a lot on mental health and analyzing things is kinda my jam💁🏻♀️)… I’m still dealing with the effects from it all but my Prayer was answered.. 🙌🏻
Immediately after I got out, I could breath again. I was positive again. I was happy again. I never want to lose that again. Nothing is worth that sacrifice. I want to spend time with my son before he graduates and teach him more about life before he gets wrapped up in all the bs. I want to travel. I want to enjoy life. I want to live the life I was meant to live. I want to help people. I want to find purpose… And I never want to Sacrifice ‘who I am’ again.
Since I have went public about my last relationship and what It did to my mental and physical health – I have had constant DM’s from others reaching out sharing their stories and victories or asking for advice on how to get out… I’ve got people messaging me just to share in their support in what I’m saying and how I’m going about it… These relationships make you feel crazy and they put you into a really dark place… If I wouldn’t have started to reach out- I never would have got out… So, my apologies, but I’m not going to stay silent about this… 🤷🏻♀️
Anywho- back to rebuilding my life from scratch….. Again…. 😏🤦🏻♀️
Step one: finding a new home
I have a sixteen year old… Couch hoping is not an option…. I’m not moving into an apartment, I needed to buy a house. before this relationship I had bought my first home and was very proud to put roots down for me and my son. He has had a lot of moving in his life… And I wanted to give him a home he could make memories in but ended up selling it bc I was so sure this dude would be in our lives forever😂😂… I can’t even go into all the issues with buying a house in today’s market (in my price range) compared to when I bought my house back in 2012 😒… I couldn’t even afford my first house anymore… I looked at so many houses… I put in offers, and put in offers and put in offers… And I prayed.. And prayed… “God put me where you want me. Give me the strength to give you all my faith and trust in your plan. Show me what I am supposed to do and give me the strength to listen”….. I got the house I did, bc I NEEDED it… Doing a full amateur reno on this house was the most therapeutic thing I have ever done. It proved to myself what I was capable of. That even when I don’t think I can go on, I do…. This house brought out the people in my life who truly believe in me and shined a light on all the doubters… It showed me that what I loved to do, was also what I’m best at… Prayer answered.
Step two: get new job (do all the things)
a week from today my job did a mass layoff and eliminated a number of positions, mine being one of them… It was weird bc lately I had been saying that I didn’t think I’d be working there much longer and that if/when that happens then my plan is to do all these things that I am great at and that make me happy (I had even had the convo again, just the night before)… A job switch during all the other change going on in my life?? – I couldn’t… But I continued to pray “God put me where you want me. Give me the strength to give you all my faith and trust in your plan. Show me what I am supposed to do and give me the strength to listen”
The past few months I have been approached a lot about what my future looks like in- Remodel, design, carpentry, repurposing, decorating, space stylist, becoming a realtor, real estate investing, flipping, or vlogging the home reno, to being asked to start a support group/blog for narcissist abuse…
Which all sound like my cup of tea…. But my response was always – “I like my job… It’s consistent, easy money And I can’t walk away from that”… I don’t know how many times I’ve said that in the last four months but I’ve said it a LOT!!! (In the hundreds). God knew I wouldn’t walk away from it. I’ve had so much change lately, it was nice to have something that was in a comfort zone. But nope! God answered my prayer. He is placing me where he wants me… And I’m listening… I’m not 100% sure if he wants me to do all of it.. But I’m going to start out doing all of it and see what sticks… So I’m going all in… In all of that. 😂💁🏻♀️💃🏻🙏🙌💪🏻 .. Prayers answered
I am in the process of talking with a few people wanting to Invest, I have a few inquiries on decorating/styling spaces, and I have officially started this blog where I will recount past experiences, mixed in with updates of my current journey to recover and figure out life…
“I love forced change like this… It causes growth when I get lost in my comfort zone.” – my response to people reaching out about the layoffs… 😆🙌💪🏻