Falling for the narcissist: Hindsight is 20/20.

This “short” version of how I fell for a narcissist is going to leave you thinking – how Could I not see the red flags and probably have you question my intelligence. I assure you I am pretty knowledgeable when it comes to mental health and personality disorders (I read up on that stuff for fun).

I had just gotten out of a relationship where we were best friend. We never fought and I knew without a doubt that he loved me and Taiden. Everything was perfect – except two things: his drinking problem (turned into a lying problem)…. and my constant movement (I’m always working on something, if not multiple things. I can be a busy body🙂) which made him feel like he couldn’t keep up and nothing he did was ever good enough… He strived to be the man I deserved and eventually didn’t want to let me down, and I ended up catching him in a few lies about his drinking. After that I realized I couldn’t trust what he said to me so I ended it when we started talking about moving in together. I dated around for a couple weeks and sort of hung out with one guy for a couple months before I starting talking to the narcissis. But I thought I was too messed up, still, from having to break it off with my best friend but “Llying drinker”, to settle down. I didn’t want to worry about anyone other than me and my son. So I ended that too..

I got a FB inbox from (the Narc), a guy I went to high school with saying he “may have had a crush on me”… I knew of him but didn’t know personally.. We had tons of mutual friends from all different friend groups….. He asked me out for “drinks and shenanigans” (this was my word, I used it all the time, so that intrigued me) I had to confirm he didn’t have a gf bc I swear I had just seen some stuff on FB, that was tagged in that looked like she would be a gf… He swore that it’s been months since they split and the pictures confirmed the timeframe (Although it was a lie)… So I figured “why not”. I made sure I met him at his place for the first date (so he didn’t know where I lived in case he is crazy and so I could make sure there’s no signs of a gf, I’ve fell for that before… And apparently still do 🤣)… I figured- Best case scenario we’ll hang out a couple times, he’ll do something that’ll annoy me and I’ll ghost him and he’ll call me a bitch to all our mutual friends… 💁🏻‍♀️

A month of talking about any and everything and spending any moment that he wasn’t working together and I was convinced I would marry the dude the next day, if he asked….. He was everything I wanted… he was romantic and funny. He was unpredictable and loving. He did all things manly and did them without me having to ask… He seemed to be just as busy as I was with projects. He seemed to be the “guy version of me” and he always told people I was the “girl version of him”…. Actually- During a serious conversation I asked him what his favorite thing about me was and -no lie- he said “you remind me of me”…(why did I not run then?!?!😳🤔😬) but seriously, he convinced me that he meant it in a good way like we were the same (Turns out: No. No we’re not. I’m not evil and you were just mirroring me. So, no. That was an insult. 👎🙅🏻‍♀️)…. In the beginning all I heard was how I needed to “get out of his head” when I would text him or tell him a dream or plan I had… he’d tell me how he was “just thinking the same thing” and how he “couldn’t have made this relationship more perfect if he tried”…. He asked question after question. He was so interested in me and the things that made me who I was now.. He seemed to be so accepting and supportive (little did I know he was just gathering info to use against me later on)… He complimented me all the time.. Everything was “Is it weird I already miss you?” And “I can’t believe I’m this lucky to have you”…

One of the biggest reasons why my blinders were so BLINDING is- We have hundreds of mutual friends. Everyone that knew us both and knew him told me what a great guy he was and how happy they are that he finally has a great girl (Backing up his persona of being the nice guy who gets taken advantage of all the time). I had no reason to believe I was being set up… And I was so caught up in it, I pry didn’t want to see the red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩.

We talked about our past relationships and why they failed so we could be sure to make this one work.. We joked about how every thing was so easy for us and how if everyone loved each other like we did, then they could be as happy as us (he was just mirroring my behavior). We prided ourselves in complete honesty. We’re both pretty bold and have strong opinions and we were 100% okay with sharing them with each other… We never had to hold back or keep things from each other (or so I thought.. He had my loyalty while he did what ever he wanted and then lied about whatever wasn’t in his favor). In the first month I listed my house, that I was so proud of, with the plan to buy an acerage in Nebraksa (which was always my dream) with the Narcissist. My house sold fast and we hadn’t found an acerage yet. Conveniently, he had a lake house he owned with some friends that we could stay in while we looked for an acerage (Dang: He just got me out of my house and in a house with just his name on the title 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻)…. Then, That turned in to a whole turn of events that resulted in “us” buying his friends out and staying there a little while longer and moving to an acerage when the house market got better and always keeping the lake house for the lake…. AND THEN: that turned into “we are staying here and never moving”…. Which most of that I would have been fine with- I ended up loving it on the lake… But I never would have sold my house if I didn’t think I was going to be buying a house WITH this guy.. (I wanted to keep my house as a rental but he thought it would be more of a headache for us… Plus it would count toward our DTI when we got approved for the acerage since we didn’t have previous rental income)…. And no matter what I did or said, he made sure I didn’t buy a house with him… I offered to get a Loan on the house but only in my name to “pay my way” and my name on the title… But he had excuse after excuse on why we couldn’t… So I lived in HIS house… That he guilted me into treating like it was MY house…

Six months in things started to slow down…. Which was expected… And about nine months things came to a compete halt with him. The compliments stopped, the thoughtful texts stopped, the flirting stopped, the acts of service slowed down considerably. The way he looked at me changed. I got an excuse- “I know I’ve been neglecting you. It’s just that I’m busy at work, when we slow down I’ll get back on track to spoiling you… Just bare with me and help me get through this..”…. So I did… I acted like a good little “wife” and I, not only, continued to do all the things I had been doing for him, I stepped it up and did even more to make this busy time easier on him. I thought I was being loyal and working for a man who loved me the same way that I loved him (bc we had just discussed it a couple months prior🤦🏻‍♀️)…. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let him treat me “less than” for months with the hope that he really did love me like he said and he’d do anything for me… But he was just setting me up to be his next victim…

Within 18 months I had given up my car and relied solely on HIS vehicles for transportation. I was also putting my funds and time into updating HIS house and gifts for him… I was full blown supporting his dream and his future family… while I thought that included me- he was out recruiting the next one.

I had spent hours and hours pouring out my heart to this dude… He knows everything I had been through with my mom’s death, almost losing my bro, losing multiple best friends, all my broken hearts, and how I’ve been cheated on and how I’d been in a emotionally abusive relationship before and what that did to me and my son…. He knew so much there’s no way he would still do this to me knowing all of that… He’s too good of a person. Everyone said he’s a great guy that he’s got a big heart. He says he cares about you and everyone that is close to him (friends and family) are talking about how they have never seen him so happy. How he has settled down so much since he met me…
Now I’m making excuses for him: Maybe he’s just acting out bc he’s scared bc he’s gotten his heart broken before…??


3 comments

  1. I agree with Candice & April, this is great reading. I discovered your most recent post on this and then found this one. You write very well. Maybe these posts could be the basis of a book or even a horror movie. Looking forward to the next installment. I’m assuming the worst is yet to be revealed. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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